Last year, on Valentine's day I was in a car accident. Since that day there have been many times where I have asked myself, "why am I alive?" To be honest, I don't have an answer. This past year has been the hardest of my life. There are many times I think to myself, "it would have been better if I had died." I worry and often times feel I am a burden to those around me, that my interactions have unintentionally caused pain to those and me. I feel I struggle at basic things. I feel I wouldn't have to experience my current struggles and pains. I wouldn't get more attached to people.
I felt perfectly content to die last year. It is a strange feeling being in a situation where you don't know of you'll be alive in the next 5 seconds, if you'll be in a frozen lake and in a sinking car (luckily that didn't happen), or if by some miracle that you feel completely undeserving of, you can walk away from the crash, being the only one involved, with little injuries, all things considered.
I don't know why I'm alive. I don't know what would have happened if I did. I don't know if I'll ever find out why I'm alive after that particular experience. Somedays I don't want to be alive and the hurt and the struggles feel so overwhelming and huge.
With that pain and struggle I also feel my heart burst with gratitude for the experiences I have had the last year. I have enjoyed 394 more beautiful sunrises and sunsets. I met some amazing people that are angels in my life and I thank God everyday for them in my life. The things that have gotten me through this year are the small things.
Find out what they are for you and enjoy them, be grateful for them, and let them be reminders and encouragement to keep going even if you, like me, don't know why you are alive.
No comments:
Post a Comment