Why am I alive?

Last year,  on Valentine's day I was in a car  accident. Since that day there have been  many times where I have asked myself, "why am I alive?" To be honest, I don't have  an answer.  This past year has been  the  hardest  of  my  life.  There  are many  times I  think to  myself, "it would  have been better  if I had  died." I worry and often times feel I  am a burden to those  around me,  that my interactions have  unintentionally  caused pain to those and me. I  feel I  struggle  at  basic things. I  feel I wouldn't have to experience my  current struggles and pains. I  wouldn't  get more attached  to people.

I  felt  perfectly  content to die last year.  It is a strange  feeling  being in a situation where  you don't know of you'll be alive in the next 5  seconds,  if you'll  be in a frozen lake and in a sinking car (luckily that didn't happen),  or if by some miracle that you feel  completely  undeserving of,  you can walk away  from the crash,  being the only one involved,  with  little  injuries, all things considered.

I  don't know why I'm  alive. I  don't know what would have happened if I did. I  don't know if I'll ever find out why I'm alive  after that particular experience.  Somedays I  don't want to be alive and the  hurt and the struggles feel so overwhelming  and huge.

With that pain and struggle I  also  feel my heart  burst with  gratitude for the experiences I have had the last year.  I  have  enjoyed 394 more beautiful sunrises and sunsets. I met  some  amazing  people that are  angels in my life  and I  thank  God  everyday for them in my life. The  things that have  gotten  me through this  year are the small  things.

Find out what they are for  you and enjoy them,  be grateful for them,  and let them be reminders  and  encouragement  to keep going  even if you,  like me,  don't know why you are alive.