"Yes, I did. From the moment I met him."
I have loved him, secretly and not so secretly, been in love with him for 10 months. I thought he was different. There were times when he chose me, said things to me, gave me hope that I wouldn't be disappointed or left again. Then I was left. I was alone. I was heart broken in more ways than one. My best friend, confidant, jester, my "trusted safe" was gone. My world came crashing down and I didn't know what to think or how to feel. What I was expected to think and feel and how I was supposed to act? I can't pretend I'm this happy little Barbie doll that never cries.
I don't know if I'm ready to date again. I don't know if I even want to. If I want to open myself up to be judged, be vulnerable, to give right now, do I even have anything to give?
Some people tell me, "who wouldn't want you? You're the complete package." Well, after people keep walking out of your life and not choosing you, guess what I don't feel like? The complete package. Who wouldn't choose me? Well, everyone in my life up until now.
I am scared to move on. Part of me hopes he'll come back into my life and help me feel alive, like I hadn't felt in a long time, that he'll change his mind and he'll choose me. I'm not the girl that will date others just to make him jealous. I'm scared if I let him go, he'll be forgotten, maybe that's what he wants. If I move on and I'm happy and he changes his mind, what will I do? The "what if" game constantly in my head.
Tonight I went out. I was nervous. It went better than I thought it would and I'm scared. Part of me didn't want to have a good time because that would lead to more dates. Another part of me says, don't do it - don't get attached, don't be happy. It tells me not to move on. Moving on has always been hard for me. I'm torn. I'm scared that I still love him and I don't want to make it down the aisle one day and realize I never got over him and "what ifs?" about a life with him. I don't want anyone to feel like they are second in my heart. I want to be able to say I love someone completely - but with him in there - it's hard. I let him in like no one else before.
Part of me wishes I could live without this emotional heart, that I could rip it out and continue to live. But you know what? This broken heart, is a sign I'm still alive. It's constant beating is a reminder of that. That broken things still work. I don't know if hearts ever heal the same. This confusion and these decisions in my head - I don't want to deal with it, any of it.
The thing about being a "tough cookie" is to most people you're devalued, underappreciated, and neglected. But to the person who likes that sort of thing, you are magnificent and delightful, and sweet. You are the "Crème de la crème," the best of the best. If you're stuck inbetween moving on and staying put, take a breather. You don't need to have all the answers right now.
Celebrate the small things you amazing tough cookie with a motivational Oreo (or your own indulgence of choice). A motivational Oreo can be enjoyed for getting out out bed, prior to starting a task, any and multiple fractions of completion during the task, job accomplishment, when you just need a minute, or any other time. After all, you are what you eat, and I like tough cookies.
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