It's been five weeks since I last heard from you. Questioning my motives, intentions, thoughts, moves, gestures, everything I said and did. It hasn't stopped the pain and the hurt, the unanswered questions constantly filling my mind. Overwhelmed with doubt and self blame that all my mistakes and inadequacies caused this catastrophic event to happen - the fact we aren't talking, at all.
That my therapist says I'm "normal" for the way I was raised, the emotional abuse I went through. That it isn't my fault for another failed relationship, but it is, it is my fault for this and every failed relationship up until now. Why? Because apparently no matter how hard I try I push people away - and that is MY fault. I still blame myself - for everything I wasn't good enough for and at. Why? Because that's how I was raised. Yes, I am so desperate to be loved and be chosen for once. I won't deny it. Yes, I want someone to choose me, to want me - because my whole life I haven't been chosen and I haven't been wanted. I have struggled my whole life.
Yes, I trust too easily and I still want to believe in true love. I want to believe that I won't be ignored anymore. That I can be good enough for just one person to want me in some portion in their life. All I've ever wanted to be is enough. Good enough, pretty enough, fast enough, smart enough, favorite enough - I've never been it, any of it.
But in all of these mixed emotions - I can say, I tried my best not to let you or anyone in my life experience the lack of love and acceptance I have experienced in my life. All I ever tried and wanted was for you to know you were loved and appreciated by at least one person in this world. I wanted you to know that I would always be there, and I would do anything and everything I could for you, to help you at any moment, on any day even if it wasn't convenient or easy. I wanted you to feel worth it. To feel the things I have never felt but want to give because I don't think I'm the only one who is searching for those things. I want to fill the world with more love.
I still pray for your happiness, everyday. I think about you more than I should. I still cry and want to rip my heart out from the feelings I don't know how to deal with. Crying/balling in front of horses and wanting to collapse on the floor. From the void I feel without you in my life. But I want your happiness more than my own. I've always been last, even to myself.
Today was the first time in over five weeks (that I can't seem to stop counting), that you talked to me. We used to everyday for 8+ months. My heart felt like the dagger that's stabbed in it, turned again, like it was ripped open again, and why did you respond - because of a car - not for friendship. I don't know if you want to be friends. If we're still your definition of "pals." To me, you'll always be - even if it kills me. I'll never give up on someone, you, because I have experienced so many times what it feels like when someone gives up and walks out on me.
You're not alone. Your love isn't wasted. You are enough. You are more than enough. You are brave. You keep living even after you've been hurt. Keep going you amazing human! I'm on your side. If you ever need a friend, you've got a friend in me.
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