Nostalgia

About 4 weeks before I turned 9, my uncle Craig suddenly passed away. There wasn't any warning. I always looked up to my "Uncle Corky." This year will be 14 years without him.

He was so giving. I think I wanted to be like him. I remember him teaching me how to make a low resonance by blowing air just right on an almost empty water bottle. He would always bring us mind teasers,  and games and toys. Maybe my love of trucks came from his "old rusty." I miss him. I think I started growing out and donating my hair to locks of love because he did. My counseling appointments are right by  house. I took a trip down memory lane today.

Today I was thinking on all the things he hasn't been here for. How much I wish I had more time with him. When I get down, and have bad thoughts, I think of my sweet nieces and nephews. I think of all the experiences they would want me at, the games they'd want me to play with them, running around the yard with them, fishing with them, laughing and cuddling with them. I think of the things I would deprive them of. 

I don't agree with Miley Cyrus all that often, but she had a song that says, "I miss you, I miss your smile, and I still shed a tear every once in a while, even though it's different now, you're still here somehow, my heart won't let you go and I need you to know, I miss you. 

Even when it doesn't feel like it, there is always someone that will miss you. Remember those people. They will help you in your weak moments. You are not alone. 

One Year

One year ago I started a new job working at a gas station near my house. I was trying to find me. I had taken the semester off of school, got in a car wreck, getting over a guy. I was feeling pretty great about life and thought, "why not work at a gas station?"

One year ago today, I met my best friend for the last year. I didn't know it at the time. I didn't know he loved bugs and rivers and mountains and everything I did. I didn't know I'd spend hours talking to him, texting him or calling him. I didn't know when we met he would help me through some really rough things like getting kicked out of my house and my sisters very short engagement. I didn't know I'd open up to him more than anyone else or that he would be my "go-to" person.

The last year has been a reminder that God is mindful of me. It has been the best and hardest year of my life. Today also marks 10 weeks since I have really spoken with him and my heart breaks, it shatters, again.  When I thought about this before, I couldn't breathe and I honestly don't know how I've made it 10 weeks. A week of not talking for every month we did. We had talked everyday for months. We had seen each other for months. Now he's gone and this void seems to be there no matter what I do. Every day is hard, and I think about him and I'm reminded of him at least 300 times.

Today I watched the movie Charly, and it brought back the void, the pain, everything I've been struggling to deal with. I thought about the pills I picked up yesterday and thought about taking more than I should. Why? Because I hurt, I hurt SO much. I want to stop hurting, I want to be numb. I want to be fine and happy.

I think it's harder to not be able to talk to a living person than a dead person. I know he's alive and I can't talk to him. Even though I have other coworkers, it isn't the same, they aren't him. I don't know how long I will hurt. I don't know how much longer I can go out and try to forget about him, because I can't. I keep working 40, 50, 60 hours weeks to try and stay distracted and it doesn't work. I can't sleep and if I do, he shows up in my dreams.

There have been great milestones the last year. Completing 4 credit hours and not miserably failing, working 3 jobs at once and not dying, getting diagnosed and medicated, two awesome work families, getting a "second" mom and "adopted" sister that have helped me so much, visiting my family, adopting Sport, getting a truck, returning 4 found dogs. Lots of great things have happened this year. Here's to celebrating my work family.

If you feel like you're about to go down the "rabbit hole," start a list of the good things that have happened for you, do something for  someone else, go outside and breathe. You are not alone.

Vulnerability

You know that Disney song from Mulan where she talks about not being the perfect bride or daughter, how she feels like maybe she's not made for this. She talks about who is this girl she sees standing there, staring back at herself and wondering when will her reflection show who she is inside.

That's how I've been feeling recently. Who am I? Am I the person I see in the mirror? Am I showing my true colors?

This is probably the main thing my therapist has been focusing on. He says how I view myself is important. Let's just say, he wasn't too thrilled when I came in for my appointment today and hadn't done the assignment of listing good qualities or characteristics about myself. I was rehung up on "well, what if it isn't true" or "what if that's who I want to be, but I'm not" or my go tos, "I'm just a disappointment, I don't do anything right, etc."

Well he gave me the choice and said if I don't change, my relationships will keep sucking and I'll keep pushing people away, or I can get rid of all my defenses and become vulnerable and have the possibility for a successful relationship. But either way will be hard and I will probably get hurt in the future too.

I DON'T like feeling vulnerable at all. I firmly believed if you protected yourself you couldn't get hurt - but I've been wrong about that. I also believed if you're harder on yourself it doesn't hurt as much when others criticize you - but then it becomes this monster in your head.

As much as I'm honestly scared I'll be disappointed when I look in the mirror and see "me," I want to be confident in me and who I am.

I am trying to be vulnerable. I've been fighting against this idea for a long time. So if you're struggling with this, remember you're not alone.

I get by with a lot of help from my Friends

I have some amazing people in my life. I know I've mentioned struggling with the loss of friendship recently, and it is hard, but I have been blessed with other people in my life as well. Co-workers, friends, family of friends, classmates, church friends, family, and labmates.

There have been many nights without sleep, lots of days without peace. There have been phonecalls, texts and conversations of encouragement, counsel, and comfort. Reassurance when I doubt myself. I feel blessed by the support I have in my life. I know I'm not the easiest to be around, but the last 20 months have brought some INCREDIBLE people into my life.

Although I went to the cabin, I did have a internal battle as well. I was able to talk to a friend and I felt like I struggled through last semester, like crawling to the finish line. I was inspired by this friend who was going to school full time and rocking at class.  I am inspired by lots of my classmates and friends. During this internal struggle and conversation with my friend, she said she was inspired by me last semester. I felt like my jaw dropped, I didn't feel inspiring.

Family isn't always those who are your blood. I've learned that the hard way. Who is in your family? Who supports you? Who believes in you? Who can you turn to for strength when you struggle? It may not always seem like a ton of people, but I promise that there are people that love you.
You aren't alone.

Thank you to everyone in my life.

Off the grid

This weekend was the first time in I can't remember how long I didn't have to work. The biology lab I work in planned to go to my professors cabin for an overnight adventure.

Do you ever have those days with good intentions of being on time, then you somehow get off? That was yesterday.  It has been a long week. I was so tired on my way up there I was glad that  I didn't fall asleep while driving. When I got there, everyone was already on a hike, so I just hung out and decompressed which was nice. I even accidentally feel asleep.

Photo creed: Becca Clement

When everyone got back we had lots of chips, desserts and enjoyed a wonderful fire. We also played a game called Nerts. Which I had never done before. We stayed up late talking so that nap was very helpful.

I slept in front of the fireplace. It was marvelous.

It was hard not having cell service, but it was SO great. I love being in nature. I love remember what it is like not to have power, or running water. I love fires. I loved being able to see a herd of 30+ deer run across fields this morning. I loved falling asleep by these huge windows I could look at the stars through. I love that even though I haven't been to most lab meetings recently, they that still wanted me there and they didn't bring up why I haven't been there. I had anxiety about being late, but I had lots of fun too. It is hard for me to socialize when I feel anxious or depressed, I was debating not going in general. I am glad I did.

Check out this toilet. 

You aren't alone. Plan to take some "you" time this week. Go "off the grid" if you need to. Find your thoughts, not your cell phone.

Ruffin it

Last year, I began searching for a dog. I was particular to older dogs, hopefully a lab of some sort. I was looking but I hadn't asked my parents or anything. March, April and May, it was a private thing. I told a few people but not many. I continued to search through thousands of online adds. The summer months came and I searched more, I desperately wanted to find a dog. I think it goes back to that desperation to love and be loved.

August came and I found this post about a older yellow lab. I hadn't been huge fan of boys because my sisters female dog was still living with us and I didn't want there to be problems. Something about it felt good and it felt too good to be true. I texted the number immediately - even though I still hadn't discussed this idea with my parents. To my surprise I was the first one to inquire about this amazing dog. Within a few days there was another inquiry and I had to either do something or let this dog I hadn't even met yet go.

I finally talked the idea over and it became a "family discussion." My sisters dog was still with us and there was some complications with the HOA (home owners association) rules, that we were only allowed one dog. They wanted me to get a cat. As much as I love cats, they just aren't dogs. You can't snuggle them, they dont usually greet you at the door and lick you and go adventuring with you.

We did a trial and it went well. My family said we could keep him and I was thrilled. It has been 7 months since I adopted him and today is his 8th birthday. He has been such a huge blessing to me. He is my big shadow, my work companion, my water lover, my snuggle buddy, my energizer puppy. He helps me get out of bed when I feel the black abyss and don't want to move. He greets me at the door when I get home. He thinks every minute is an opportunity to play. He is an example of love and loyalty to me. He still loves me even when I shut my door to get sleep, even when I go to work and can't play with him as much as both of us want. He gets up every morning when I go to work in the middle of the night. He puts up with his countless nicknames. He is a gentle giant, a lover. He is the greeting committee at the park. He is a couch hog, a sweet potato connoisseur, a snow-dozer and roller.

Happy Birthday "old boy." To celebrate we got LOTS more water toys.

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Scared to ask

Last year I was in a relationship that opened my eyes to qualities I did and didn't want in future relationships with anyone.  I started to pray, I mean really pray, about this stuff.

I wanted someone who would love me for me, who I could be me with. Someone who was patient with me, supports me, and encourages me. Someone who laughs with me. Someone who can deal with my family. Someone who will be there for me. Someone who is good at giving hugs. Someone I would feel comfortable with, and who would laugh at my terrible attempts at puns. Someone who loves their family. Someone who could help me see other perspectives in situations and who I would actually listen to. Someone who had similar values like honesty, loyalty, and integrity. Someone who had similar interests.

Everyday for months I prayed and suddenly I started to feel like "this person" was right in front of me. We became amazing friends. For months I felt like this person was an answer to my prayers. I don't think anyone could have been more perfect. I felt like it had been God who helped me meet this person.

I question: Why didn't it last? Was it because I stopped praying for those things? Did I make too many mistakes? Did I ruin it? Was it really an answer to prayers or was it all in my head?

Now, I am scared to pray. I'm scared to ask for those things again. I had it and then I lost it, and it hurts so much. It is so incredibly hard to have the thing you wish for the most, and to experience it, and then to have it gone, ended, over. I have never felt more "me" than I did during that friendship.

I'm scared to be that happy again. I'm scared to trust again. I'm scared to put myself out there again. I'm scared this could go so right, then end, and we'll be strangers again and I'll struggle again to put my life back  and not be and to talk to that person everyday. I'm scared because I know no matter how much I'll hurt, I'll still care about that person and think about that person and want to know they're happy.  I'm scared to keep loving and losing.

Life is about trying again, or so I'm told. If you've ever felt this way, you're not alone.

Fears

There are things that scare me. Things that definitely make me nervous. Eating bugs, holding snakes and huge bugs and spiders definitely fall into this category.

Today, I was able to do two of these things.  Today I held a tarantula - his name is Chaco, and he is my friend's pet spider. He is so sweet and cute.

The biology lab I participate in on campus went to a local elementary school for a after school bug club. As their treat, we tried barbeque flavored meal worms. It isn't a crunch that satisfies. But I did it, we ALL did it. And I was nervous, oh yeah. I was scared. I felt a little embarrassed about it too.

But I did it! You can do things you are scared or nervous about too! We all have fears, but we also have courage. Don't let it paralyze you. You got this! You can take your time. You are not alone.

Nine Years

Nine years ago my mom went to the E.R. I was in a ballet class when I heard. I wasn't allowed to see her for the first four days. I lived at a friends house practically that whole month she was in the hospital. The doctors didn't know what was wrong for the first week or so.

One of the nights I spent back at home I remember thinking, "what if my mom dies? What if I go downstairs in the middle of the night and she's not there anymore?" That was a rough night. I thought my family would fall apart if she didn't make it. Which led to another night where I felt like I was just a burden in the situation and I thought about suicide at age 13.  A friend came over and that meant a lot to me - I didn't kill myself.

My sister was in Turkey for a few weeks, my father was at the hospital, and I was allowed certain visiting hours and time limitations, conversation parameters. Everything was controlled. I just wanted my mom.

There was nothing I could do for my mom and I felt so helpless seeing her lay there with all these tubes and machines connected to her. Helping her stand and do laps around the floor. She went in and out of the ICU a few times.

If I had known at that time, my mom would prepare me to lose a dear friend a few months later, I don't think I would have known how to respond. Both situations were very difficult. I am glad my mom is better now. I can't picture the last 9 years without her.

Do you have things you still think about and remember? Scary situations you were unsure about? Life is scary, and it is ok not to feel comfortable and confident every moment of the day. You are not alone.