Nine years ago my mom went to the E.R. I was in a ballet class when I heard. I wasn't allowed to see her for the first four days. I lived at a friends house practically that whole month she was in the hospital. The doctors didn't know what was wrong for the first week or so.
One of the nights I spent back at home I remember thinking, "what if my mom dies? What if I go downstairs in the middle of the night and she's not there anymore?" That was a rough night. I thought my family would fall apart if she didn't make it. Which led to another night where I felt like I was just a burden in the situation and I thought about suicide at age 13. A friend came over and that meant a lot to me - I didn't kill myself.
My sister was in Turkey for a few weeks, my father was at the hospital, and I was allowed certain visiting hours and time limitations, conversation parameters. Everything was controlled. I just wanted my mom.
There was nothing I could do for my mom and I felt so helpless seeing her lay there with all these tubes and machines connected to her. Helping her stand and do laps around the floor. She went in and out of the ICU a few times.
If I had known at that time, my mom would prepare me to lose a dear friend a few months later, I don't think I would have known how to respond. Both situations were very difficult. I am glad my mom is better now. I can't picture the last 9 years without her.
Do you have things you still think about and remember? Scary situations you were unsure about? Life is scary, and it is ok not to feel comfortable and confident every moment of the day. You are not alone.
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