Chris the blind man

I am convinced there are no accidents in this life, which doesn't make life any easier. Sometimes unexpected moments are the moments that impact us when we need it most. Today I went to the bank and I saw a man standing outside. When I came outside I learned his name is Chris. Chris is at least 30, he is doing research at the library and he is blind. Like we're talking - he reads Braille. He is from Korea.

Chris inspired me in a 5 minute car ride to the library. He inspired me to dream big. He is blind, here in America, doing research.  He walks to the library, he trusts strangers to guide him and help him. There is a quote that says, "if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." I've been scared to dream that big - scared to fail. The last few weeks I have started to follow one of my dreams and I am finding support in it from strangers.

He also said to be careful behind the horses and wanted to know if horses swim (yes, they do).

What dream are you scared of? What holds you back? You aren't alone. The future is scary. Just take a day at a time and remember, it's okay to ask for help.

God Cares

The past two to three weeks have been difficult. Having a sick dog that no matter what I tried to do it didn't seem to help him and finally going to the vet which costs quite a bit - especially for tests that are only 70% accurate.

The next week I got "temporarily laid off" because I can't get fired. But they can't tell me when they'll need me to work again so I  looking and applying for all sorts of jobs while stressing about money.

I let my boss' know and by some heaven sent blessings I have been able to pick up more shifts. That being said, I was still stressed about the payments I needed to make this month.

In my church there is a principle called Tithing. It's when you donate 10% of your income to the church. I have been behind on it this year from trying to stay on top of bills and unexpected expenses. But I decided to add the numbers up and pay it, even though I would be short on money the rest of the month.

Guess what? One of my expenses was somehow discounted - the businessman didn't even know why when I asked him to doublecheck the price, he was shocked but said it was true. I received two paychecks this week, the day before I needed them to pay other bills. I have been able to continue to have additional shifts and hours at both of my jobs and I feel really blessed.

I didn't plan this. I didn't think this would happen. I thought I would have to take out a loan. This quote seems fitting:

Take the leap of faith in whatever it is you need to do. I know it is scary. You are not invisible and God will provide for you. You are not alone.

Tough cookies

Have you ever been scared to move on? I am, ALL the time. Today I covered another shift at work and my friend asked if I was more excited for my date with him or with this guy. I said, "him." She said, "did you love him from the start?"
"Yes, I did. From the moment I met him."

I have loved him, secretly and not so secretly, been in love with him for 10 months. I thought he was different. There were times when he chose me, said things to me, gave me hope that I wouldn't be disappointed or left again. Then I was left. I was alone. I was heart broken in more ways than one. My best friend, confidant, jester, my "trusted safe" was gone. My world came crashing down and I didn't know what to think or how to feel. What I was expected to think and feel and how I was supposed to act? I can't pretend I'm this happy little Barbie doll that never cries.

I don't know if I'm ready to date again. I don't know if I even want to. If I want to open myself up to be judged, be vulnerable, to give right now, do I even have anything to give?

Some people tell me, "who wouldn't want you? You're the complete package." Well, after people keep walking out of your life and not choosing you, guess what I don't feel like? The complete package. Who wouldn't choose me? Well, everyone in my life up until now.

I am scared to move on. Part of me hopes he'll come back into my life and help me feel alive, like I hadn't felt in a long time, that he'll change his mind and he'll choose me. I'm not the girl that will date others just to make him jealous. I'm scared if I let him go, he'll be forgotten, maybe that's what he wants. If I move on and I'm happy and he changes his mind, what will I do? The "what if" game constantly in my head.

Tonight I went out. I was nervous. It went better than I thought it would and I'm scared. Part of me didn't want to have a good time because that would lead to more dates. Another part of me says, don't do it - don't get attached, don't be happy. It tells me not to move on. Moving on has always been hard for me. I'm torn. I'm scared that I still love him and I don't want to make it down the aisle one day and realize I never got over him and  "what ifs?" about a life with him. I don't want anyone to feel like they are second in my heart. I want to be able to say I love someone completely - but with him in there - it's hard. I let him in like no one else before.

Part of me wishes I could live without this emotional heart, that I could rip it out and  continue to live. But you know what? This broken heart, is a sign I'm still alive. It's constant beating is a reminder of that.  That broken things still work. I don't know if hearts ever heal the same. This confusion and these decisions in my head - I don't want to deal with it, any of it.

The thing  about being a "tough cookie" is to most people you're devalued, underappreciated, and neglected. But to the person who likes that sort of thing, you are magnificent and delightful, and sweet. You are the "Crème de la crème," the best of the best. If you're stuck inbetween moving on and staying put, take a breather. You don't need to have all the answers right now.

 Celebrate the small things you amazing tough cookie with a motivational Oreo (or  your own indulgence of choice). A motivational Oreo can be enjoyed for getting out out bed, prior to starting a task, any and multiple fractions of completion during the task, job accomplishment, when you just need a minute, or any other time.  After all, you are what you eat, and I like tough cookies.

No Regrets

It's been five weeks since I last heard from you. Questioning my motives, intentions, thoughts, moves, gestures, everything I said and did. It hasn't stopped the pain and the hurt, the unanswered questions constantly filling my mind. Overwhelmed with doubt and self blame that all my mistakes and inadequacies caused this catastrophic event to happen - the fact we aren't talking, at all.

That my therapist says I'm "normal" for the way I was raised, the emotional abuse I went through. That it isn't my fault for another failed relationship, but it is, it is my fault for this and every failed relationship up until now. Why? Because apparently no matter how hard I try I push people away - and that is MY fault. I still blame myself - for everything I wasn't good enough for and at. Why? Because that's how I was raised. Yes, I am so desperate to be loved and be chosen for once. I won't deny it. Yes, I want someone to choose me, to want me - because my whole life I haven't been chosen and I haven't been wanted. I have struggled my whole life.

Yes, I trust too easily and I still want to believe in true love. I want to believe that I won't be ignored anymore. That I can be good enough for just one person to want me in some portion in their life. All I've ever wanted to be is enough. Good enough, pretty enough, fast enough, smart enough, favorite enough - I've never been it, any of it.

But in all of these mixed emotions - I can say, I tried my best not to let you or anyone in my life experience the lack of love and acceptance I have experienced in my life. All I ever tried and wanted was for you to know you were loved and appreciated by at least one person in this world. I wanted you to know that I would always be there, and I would do anything and everything I could for you, to help you at any moment, on any day even if it wasn't convenient or easy. I wanted you to feel worth it. To feel the things I have never felt but want to give because I don't think I'm the only one who is searching for those things. I want to fill the world with more love.

I still pray for your happiness, everyday. I think about you more than I should. I still cry and want to rip my heart out from the feelings I don't know how to deal with. Crying/balling in front of horses and wanting to collapse on the floor. From the void I feel without you in my life. But I want your happiness more than my own. I've always been last, even to myself.

Today was the first time in over five weeks (that I can't seem to stop counting), that you talked to me. We used to  everyday for 8+ months. My heart felt like the dagger that's stabbed in it, turned again, like it was ripped open again, and why did you respond - because of a car - not for friendship. I don't know if you want to be friends. If we're still your definition of "pals." To me, you'll always be - even if it kills me. I'll never give up on someone, you, because I have experienced so many times what it feels like when someone gives up and walks out on me.

You're not alone. Your love isn't wasted. You are enough. You are more than enough. You are brave. You keep living even after you've been hurt. Keep going you amazing human! I'm on your side. If you ever need a friend, you've got a friend in me.

Why am I alive?

Last year,  on Valentine's day I was in a car  accident. Since that day there have been  many times where I have asked myself, "why am I alive?" To be honest, I don't have  an answer.  This past year has been  the  hardest  of  my  life.  There  are many  times I  think to  myself, "it would  have been better  if I had  died." I worry and often times feel I  am a burden to those  around me,  that my interactions have  unintentionally  caused pain to those and me. I  feel I  struggle  at  basic things. I  feel I wouldn't have to experience my  current struggles and pains. I  wouldn't  get more attached  to people.

I  felt  perfectly  content to die last year.  It is a strange  feeling  being in a situation where  you don't know of you'll be alive in the next 5  seconds,  if you'll  be in a frozen lake and in a sinking car (luckily that didn't happen),  or if by some miracle that you feel  completely  undeserving of,  you can walk away  from the crash,  being the only one involved,  with  little  injuries, all things considered.

I  don't know why I'm  alive. I  don't know what would have happened if I did. I  don't know if I'll ever find out why I'm alive  after that particular experience.  Somedays I  don't want to be alive and the  hurt and the struggles feel so overwhelming  and huge.

With that pain and struggle I  also  feel my heart  burst with  gratitude for the experiences I have had the last year.  I  have  enjoyed 394 more beautiful sunrises and sunsets. I met  some  amazing  people that are  angels in my life  and I  thank  God  everyday for them in my life. The  things that have  gotten  me through this  year are the small  things.

Find out what they are for  you and enjoy them,  be grateful for them,  and let them be reminders  and  encouragement  to keep going  even if you,  like me,  don't know why you are alive.

Scars

Today, while I was at work I was thinking of this sweet horse. She is about 3 years old and has some basic training done. Last summer she and another horse went out to pasture for the summer. While they were there, she fell into a large hole and got stuck, here legs were hurt pretty bad.

It has taken months of care and she still has scars that are healing. Despite the pain she has experienced, not by anything she chose to do, but from a situation beyond her control, she continues to be one of the sweetest and gentleest horses.

The rain and snow keeps her in her stall most of the time to try and keep dirt from making an infection in her legs. Sometimes when I walk by her stall, her head is hung low in a depressed sort of way.

Today when I went in her stall, I rubbed her face, and she would lower her head in a comfortable and submissive gesture. She doesn't have to trust, she doesn't have to be patient and gentle. Lots of horses would be skittish and mean after a painful and traumatizing experience like hers.

I will admit, sometimes I am in a rushed work mode to get things done. I won't stand in a stall and rub a horse, maybe a pat or a rub here or there, but not standing  comforting a horse. Today was different. I stood there and just rubbed her. I felt a kindred spirit in her. A soul that has been hurt, but continues to love. A gentle spirit. I felt bad that such a sweet horse doesn't get more attention and love. She is often the "lesser" of the two horses. But I think she is the greater one. The other horse is in your face, she is needy for attention, but this one is patient, she respects your space even when she wants so much to be loved. I don't know how the other horse would be now if this had happened to her instead.

Some might think she is damaged or ugly for what she has experienced. Her scars aren't gone, they are still healing and they are a reminder that she is alive and she is a survivor. She is strong and she is beautiful. She is full of love. She is more than her scars. So are you and  am I. We are more than our past. You are beautiful and loved. You are strong even when you feel like breaking. You are more than your scars. In the words of a popsong, "you should know you're beautiful just the way you are, and you don't have to change a thing, the world could change its heart, no scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful."

You're not alone

One of the reasons I want to start this blog is for all the people who feel alone, who feel like they are the only person struggling. I know every time I get online I feel like everyone else's life is perfect and happy and struggle-free. Well, welcome to a place where you aren't alone. If you feel inadequate at life, in relationships, school, anything. Currently i'm taking a semester off of school, again, so you aren't the only one who may be going through this. If you've had feelings of self harm to make things better in some way alcohol, drugs, cutting, suicide, substances, you are not alone. If you are struggling mentally and emotionally, I am right on that same bus with you. I have anxiety, depression and ADHD - I might refer to this as the trifecta. If you are still living with your parents, it's okay, so am I and most of the time our relationship is still a struggle. If you feel loaded down by bills and life's unexpected challenges, I know how you feel. If you feel you don't fit life's status-quo, you are not alone. I hope this helps you not feel alone, isolated.

I had a friend say that sharing your story is one of the best things that can help others. I don't know if I can be influential or inspirational, but I am going to try - as well as be real. I don't know where "my story" starts, so i'm just going to plunge into the middle and things that are currently happening. Maybe we'll catch up on some of the other stuff on different occasions. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints (LDS). I am a Christian, but don't let that stop you from following along, I might post about God and I welcome your beliefs even if they differ from mine. If you do believe in something and you struggle with it and practicing it - you aren't the only one. I feel I struggle to pray and read my scriptures and go to church regularly. I want anyone and everyone to feel welcome on this page.

The last few weeks I have been struggling with the unknown, things I can't control and don't know. I went to California to try and get a break from things. It was sunny and warmer than this constant "snow globe" that Utah seems to be recently. I was able to "distract" myself from the overwhelming thoughts inside my brain temporarily but coming back to Utah seem to bring the weight of the world and my thoughts back with it. Yesterday was a rough day. The whole flight back I felt nauseous. I couldn't even wait at the airport for my ride - I had to keep moving just to try and stay sane and not barf my insides out. Too bad I also had to work. You may not think cleaning horse stalls is the most glamorous job on the planet - but I enjoy it and it does pay the bills. But going to any sort of work with an anxiety attack is very difficult. but I did it - I forced myself to go and it seemed to take FOREVER. about halfway through the struggle I thought of a conversation I had with a family member doing a preschool carpool. They offered a child a piece of flavored gum and the child soon responded with "rotten poop." A response the parent had said so the child wouldn't want the flavored gum. The child then proceeded to sing, "Rotten poop, rotten poop." So yesterday at work I starting to sing, "Rotten poop, Rotten poop." Maybe I could have sang "Horse manure" instead, but, I didn't.

After work, I got went to meet with my therapist - You're not the only one that has to figure stuff out either. We somehow managed to get to those "taped boxes in the attic of my memory." You might have ones in your own life, or you might not. The ones you don't like to talk about. The ones that make you feel weak, vulnerable, unlovable, damaged. The things that make you think there isn't anyone who would want to choose to love you and stick around.  The things you try to forget when you try to be "normal." The things you don't tell people. The things you try not to feel anymore because you don't want to keep reliving it. You don't want the pain anymore so you try and not feel, so you don't get hurt.

I don't like showing emotion, I feel it is seen in the world as a sign of weakness. Yesterday my therapist told me it is a sign of strength, and I 'm not sure that I agree with him, but it made me feel less vulnerable in that situation. If you are like me and have a big heart and you feel like you give and give and then get hurt, again and again. I hope you know (and I'm speaking to myself as well) that caring and having a big heart is hard, but it is not a sign of weakness.

Sometimes I feel like if I don't feel, then I can't get hurt. It's true and it works for me. I feel numb and I find solitary confinement within the walls of my room and avoid the world at almost all costs. I avoid interactions with people so I don't have to care, so I don't have to feel. I feel almost robotic.  Going and talking with a therapist sometimes is like the opposite - they want you to feel and relive the hurt and it is SO HARD. Yesterday - I felt emotionally, physically and mentally vulnerable. I felt weak. I feel like I shared something I have kept locked up for so long I felt drained. I know sleeping for 14.5 hours isn't normal and when you wake up you shouldn't still want to feel like sleeping - but for me, it helps the pain.

Finally when I roll out of bed the weight of having to go to work again and the reality of the longer I leave it the more manure there will be seems to settle on my brain and I can't put it off any longer. So I make it to work and work and work. It is taking forever and I can't seem to focus. I feel like I'm going half speed. While the speed doesn't really change - a text from a friend comes in that says, "this may be hard, but Christ is there for you." That helps, really it does, and I hope that your beliefs help you. It helps when people acknowledge this isn't easy, it's actually really really hard. Some days I just want it to magically be fixed and never come back. But that isn't reality. What is reality is that everyone struggles and YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Think of someone you know that wants to hear this and share it with them.