One of the reasons I want to start this blog is for all the people who feel alone, who feel like they are the only person struggling. I know every time I get online I feel like everyone else's life is perfect and happy and struggle-free. Well, welcome to a place where you aren't alone. If you feel inadequate at life, in relationships, school, anything. Currently i'm taking a semester off of school, again, so you aren't the only one who may be going through this. If you've had feelings of self harm to make things better in some way alcohol, drugs, cutting, suicide, substances, you are not alone. If you are struggling mentally and emotionally, I am right on that same bus with you. I have anxiety, depression and ADHD - I might refer to this as the trifecta. If you are still living with your parents, it's okay, so am I and most of the time our relationship is still a struggle. If you feel loaded down by bills and life's unexpected challenges, I know how you feel. If you feel you don't fit life's status-quo, you are not alone. I hope this helps you not feel alone, isolated.
I had a friend say that sharing your story is one of the best things that can help others. I don't know if I can be influential or inspirational, but I am going to try - as well as be real. I don't know where "my story" starts, so i'm just going to plunge into the middle and things that are currently happening. Maybe we'll catch up on some of the other stuff on different occasions. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints (LDS). I am a Christian, but don't let that stop you from following along, I might post about God and I welcome your beliefs even if they differ from mine. If you do believe in something and you struggle with it and practicing it - you aren't the only one. I feel I struggle to pray and read my scriptures and go to church regularly. I want anyone and everyone to feel welcome on this page.
The last few weeks I have been struggling with the unknown, things I can't control and don't know. I went to California to try and get a break from things. It was sunny and warmer than this constant "snow globe" that Utah seems to be recently. I was able to "distract" myself from the overwhelming thoughts inside my brain temporarily but coming back to Utah seem to bring the weight of the world and my thoughts back with it. Yesterday was a rough day. The whole flight back I felt nauseous. I couldn't even wait at the airport for my ride - I had to keep moving just to try and stay sane and not barf my insides out. Too bad I also had to work. You may not think cleaning horse stalls is the most glamorous job on the planet - but I enjoy it and it does pay the bills. But going to any sort of work with an anxiety attack is very difficult. but I did it - I forced myself to go and it seemed to take FOREVER. about halfway through the struggle I thought of a conversation I had with a family member doing a preschool carpool. They offered a child a piece of flavored gum and the child soon responded with "rotten poop." A response the parent had said so the child wouldn't want the flavored gum. The child then proceeded to sing, "Rotten poop, rotten poop." So yesterday at work I starting to sing, "Rotten poop, Rotten poop." Maybe I could have sang "Horse manure" instead, but, I didn't.
After work, I got went to meet with my therapist - You're not the only one that has to figure stuff out either. We somehow managed to get to those "taped boxes in the attic of my memory." You might have ones in your own life, or you might not. The ones you don't like to talk about. The ones that make you feel weak, vulnerable, unlovable, damaged. The things that make you think there isn't anyone who would want to choose to love you and stick around. The things you try to forget when you try to be "normal." The things you don't tell people. The things you try not to feel anymore because you don't want to keep reliving it. You don't want the pain anymore so you try and not feel, so you don't get hurt.
I don't like showing emotion, I feel it is seen in the world as a sign of weakness. Yesterday my therapist told me it is a sign of strength, and I 'm not sure that I agree with him, but it made me feel less vulnerable in that situation. If you are like me and have a big heart and you feel like you give and give and then get hurt, again and again. I hope you know (and I'm speaking to myself as well) that caring and having a big heart is hard, but it is not a sign of weakness.
Sometimes I feel like if I don't feel, then I can't get hurt. It's true and it works for me. I feel numb and I find solitary confinement within the walls of my room and avoid the world at almost all costs. I avoid interactions with people so I don't have to care, so I don't have to feel. I feel almost robotic. Going and talking with a therapist sometimes is like the opposite - they want you to feel and relive the hurt and it is SO HARD. Yesterday - I felt emotionally, physically and mentally vulnerable. I felt weak. I feel like I shared something I have kept locked up for so long I felt drained. I know sleeping for 14.5 hours isn't normal and when you wake up you shouldn't still want to feel like sleeping - but for me, it helps the pain.
Finally when I roll out of bed the weight of having to go to work again and the reality of the longer I leave it the more manure there will be seems to settle on my brain and I can't put it off any longer. So I make it to work and work and work. It is taking forever and I can't seem to focus. I feel like I'm going half speed. While the speed doesn't really change - a text from a friend comes in that says, "this may be hard, but Christ is there for you." That helps, really it does, and I hope that your beliefs help you. It helps when people acknowledge this isn't easy, it's actually really really hard. Some days I just want it to magically be fixed and never come back. But that isn't reality. What is reality is that everyone struggles and YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Think of someone you know that wants to hear this and share it with them.
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