Unconditional

I've been working on this post since May. Things have been crazy and hard. I have felt in the "recluse" mode. I don't feel like being very social. When I get depressed and when life gets harder - my self worth tends to waver. I have spent over 20 hours in the last three weeks trying to get into a neurologist. I've been working more than usual at my 4 jobs the last few weeks which leaves me absolutely exhausted. My dog needs to lose weights. Having more family problems. I still feel this post relates to how I've felt when I go into "isolation." 

 

I love the beauty that I get to see at work. It has helped me remember that not everything will be fixed immediately, but life can't still be beautiful. 

This last week I've been thinking about love and friends. I feel like I can group them into two groups; people that feel like they can change me and people who love me. 

I already know I'm broken, I don't need people to tell me they will magically solve my life. I feel like they want to be more in my life to "fix" more of my life. In hindsight, I tend to have a "fix it" personality. So I see how that could have come across differently in relationships of mine in the past. So I would like to apologize to anyone reading this that I have made feel that way. 

On the other hand, there have been people who have just loved me. They don't tell me they are my "Mr. Clean Magic life Eraser." They simply love me. They give me support and encouragement. They give me advice and counsel when I ask, they listen when I speak. They have been constant. They pray for me time and time again when I feel weak. I don't feel judged. I feel I can be "me." They don't just want the perfect, happy Sam, they are fine with the sad, depressed, anxious, scatter brained Sam that is happening more often than not. 

Changes

This week has been good, really really good. I started off Monday moving out of my parents house. It has been like a breath of fresh air and I feel like I can breathe. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted. I don't feel like I have to hide in my room, eat by myself, be selfconscious about EVERYTHING. My anxiety has significantly gone down this week. I still question "am I being a bother or a burden?" But it isn't a constant thing on my mind.  I feel supported and I feel like I am part of something. 

The hard thing about this week has been moving stuff, working 5 jobs on top of each other. I don't know how the 5 jobs things even worked out. I finished my last week at UPS this week and I don't know what to do now that I'm not killing myself with physical labor all day, everyday. It feels relieving, I don't think I could have continued much longer. People ask me why I quit and I say, I've been doing 75-80 hours a week of stuff since September and I'm tired and burned out. One of the biggest blessings though is my recent job, where I don't have to do continuous hard labor, 6 hours a day. 

Because of this, I'm hoping to go back to school. I have hope for that. I don't feel like I'll fail. Another part of moving was feeling like I can't improve mentally, emotionally or physically if I'm not changing the unhealthy environment I'm in. I am so grateful that I have a place to live with my dog. He loves to be outside.  Also from this change in environment I have been able to sleep. My insomnia hasn't been as bad - which was really really helpful working so many hours this week. 

 

My anxiety and my depression isn't fixed. These changes have been hard. I don't want to leave my friends I've made at work. I don't want to have to cut certain life ties, but I needed to for me. I don't think it's a selfish choice, if you're sacrificing yourself constantly for others and it's really hurting you by doing that. I'm not going to lie and say everything has worked out great, because it hasn't. Others have reacted negatively to my choices and their nonsupport becomes more evident.  That hurts, but I have to remember it is their choice. 

I can't remember when the last time I could "take 5" or "relax" was. So to have time to breathe and think is weird, and awkward. Maybe I subconsciously make simple things more difficult, I don't know. 

I know I'm not the only one with challenges in my life. For the first time in a long time, I feel I am moving forward more than backward.  I don't feel like life swallowed me whole this week. From the 9 hours at the gas station, 30+ hours at UPS, 12 hours at pool 2, 7 hours at pool 1, 4 days at the horse barn (maybe another 12+ hours).  

 

 

It is hard leaving friends and having a great coworker move. It is hard changing jobs. Change is HARD, and that's okay. It's ok to feel uneasy about change, it's okay to be nervous and not have all the answers. Change takes faith.  But it can be worth it. There are still struggles I am facing. Things are temporary, which is also hard - I'm a person that likes things sure, steady and have answers. I'm trying to find the new temporary. 

If you struggle with change, with family, friends, new jobs, old jobs, anything, please remember you are not alone. 

Raging tempest

These last few weeks have continued to be rough. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting like hell just to make it through five minutes, an hour and the day. When I feel like I've accepted the new challenges that continuously seem to be falling from the sky in my life, the heavens open again and more challenges are poured out. 

I spoke to my very wise mission president this week. He is a very inspiring man. In the past he has said, reach out of you need anything. Reaching out is hard for me because I don't want to inconvenience people. This week I did. I asked for help and my anxiety spiked. My mission President is his kind and generous way spent and over and hour on the phone with me throughout the week. He listened patiently and responded with advice. One thing he taught as a mission president was seek for understanding. While talking, he offered perspectives I hadn't previously thought about. He also defended in his humble way, the people in my life I have been struggling with. He gave me some analogies that helped me see my focus and the shifted focus I want to have. If you have a habit of running from situations like I do, I'll offer his advice to you, run toward something instead of from something. Instead of fear and avoidance move toward something you want and desire, with good feelings not bad. 

Since that conversations more things have seemed to be poured out. I almost lost it yesterday, mentally, emotionally and physically. I was faced with a situation sooner than I had thought and it had been on my mind constantly the past few weeks. Let me tell you, forgetting to take anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication doesn't help prevent a panic attack unless you actually take it.  So I went from thinking "I'll be fine tonight" to this situation happening, to being a mess of tears within about 2 minutes. My understanding coworker, let me go home and get my medication. Good thing too, I was struggling really badly, I couldn't stop crying, on the verge of hyperventilating and considering trying cigarettes and alcohol after work.

In those moments when I feel lower than low, when I thought things couldn't get harder and they did, I turned to my close friends and my mission president and his amazing, inspirational and hilarious wife. I believe that prayers are answered. Sometimes I believe that others prayers are answered when I lack the faith. I know their faith has a direct line to heaven. With the reassurance, to call if I think about doing something stupid and that they'll answer. 

I went to the temple this week for the first time in a while, and it was good. I had two strong impressions while I was there. The first was the lyrics to Master the Tempest is Raging  and specifically the lyrics "peace, be still." The other was when I opened the scriptures in the Doctorine and Covenants 50:5 "But blessed are they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for they shall inherit eternal life" and I thought, how much do I have to endure? And the chapter continues to talk about callings, the Spirit, and whoever is weak among them shall hereafter be made strong. Sometimes I feel very weak. Recently when something else is added to my plate I feel I just about fall over and I don't know if I can stand back up. 

Man, I wish I had answers. But I don't. I wish I could see the "blue skies" ahead, but I don't. What I do know is it is hard to get out of bed, get dressed, go to work, shower, attend church, talk with people, do my laundry, play with my dog. Every time I do one of those things, I feel proud of myself. They may seem like simple things, but most days they look like cliffs. These are the basic things that take a mountain of energy and forced thought to achieve. 

 

 I don't know what Peter felt when the storm was raging and Christ asked him to come unto him or how he felt when the tempest was raging and Christ was asleep on the boat. But I do know what it feels like to doubt and to start sinking. And sometimes I feel like I sink below the surface.  I don't know when all this will be "sunshine and daisies and bright and colorful."

 

Some days I feel like giving up, and I don't know what keeps me moving forward. I don't know why I want to keep going some days.  Maybe it's trying to find the peace. 

Factory Reset

First of all, I want to say thank you for the support and outreach since I've started this blog and since my last post. Things aren't magically better because of it. 

I had a good conversation with my sister and we discussed a few things. The first thing that she expressed was sympathy for going through the same thing. For me, that helps me feel like I'm not crazy. It's not an invalidation, which I have felt in my life. It was a similar situation, with similar people. 

 

The another thing we discussed was faith. We talked about how sometimes God's greatest blessings are unanswered prayers (Garth Brooks song). It is hard to not get answered prayers or prayers answered in the way I want. My sister shared a personal story, and I was grateful for that. She shared that you don't have to compromise who you are for what you think you want now. Now, she has what she truly wanted and she didn't have to sacrifice those things she was willing to. Ironically enough, the first time I heard that song was when I was cleaning stalls three days prior. 

She also shared when she feels alone she thinks about the song "Angels among us" (by Alabama). It says, " I believe there are angels among us, Sent down to us from somewhere up above, they come to you and me in our darkest hours, to show us how to live, to teach us how to give, to guide us with light and love." This song has been a favorite of mine for years. Even when I feel alone, I am not alone. 

She also went on and said that before this all happened, I had these qualities and I need to remember that, who I am. I need to remember my Spirit and the qualities and characteristics I came with. She told me I had this huge love for life and I could walk in a room and 10 minutes later I would be friends with everyone and they would all love me. She also said I had this faith that big things could happen from small things. There were times on my mission where I definitely felt this quality. She said she was inspiried by me. I was this energy filled, skinny, blonde sister, 17 years younger than her. In some ways, the age difference has been weird. In recent years, I have come to realize how big of a blessing it is. It was helpful to hear those things. I have been struggling with things about who I truly am versus who I want to be or who I think I am. It has also been interesting in the last few weeks the number of conversations I have had about my personal characteristics and qualities.

Another thing I have heard in the last few weeks is I am spunky. While going through depression and anxiety, I feel bland, dull and boring, majority of the time. So to hear that that isn't the case, brings me a bit of energy and a bit of hope that I'm not the way I am when I am depressed and anxious. 

Sometimes I wish I could press a "factory reset" button, to be able to have that person my sister described and reminded me of on the phone. Sometimes I wish I could forget the challenges and the hurt and the load which I feel I'm carrying and be that person. That wouldn't be helpful to me in anyway though. I wouldn't learn anything. These struggles seem overwhelming majority of the time and to be honest, most of the time I don't know how I'm standing up. I have never been able to work this many hours and not be an awful person. I haven't been able to have this much longevity. I don't know how I've been occupied 70+ hours a week since September. I'm amazed that I haven't failed more. I want to remember that person my sister described. I want to be able to say with confidence, I know this is who I am, and these are my qualities instead of recognizing my faults and weaknesses often. 

I also want to say an immense thank you for all the strong, amazing, inspiring women (and men) in my life. I am truly grateful for them. I am grateful for the friendship, support, encouragement, counsel, guidance and love they bring to my life. I am grateful for their examples and their faith. I have leaned on them and looked to them for help in the last while and I don't think I could have made it without them - of that I am absolutely positive. My sister said yesterday there will be people put in my life to help me and I believe that 1 million percent. I has helped so much. 

Please reach out to those you know, I don't think you'll know the impact it means in the darkness of someone's life. 

Trigger

The last few weeks have been very rough. I find I have been triggered into the past often.  It's been hard not to get stuck and depressed on experiences. It's been hard not to feel my extreme lack of self-confidence in myself. It's hard when people say, "get up and go out" when I'm and introvert and depressed. I don't want to let people in. People have gone from my life, and it sucks and it hurts more than I can try to say, but it's reality and it's my everyday life. I like this quote:

 

My scars are evidence that I am living and trying. While I feel weak and vulnerable most of the time, my scars are proof that I am fighting, that I haven't given up yet. It is true, my scars have been with me longer than most people physically and emotionally, that have been in my life. 

Another thing is the trauma. Me new therapist, who has been great, said that there are ways to work through the "triggers," the things that happen around me and I automatically associate and respond to (or start freaking out because of.) I wish I didn't go down this worm hole so often, it's a lonely place. It makes me feel worthless.  

A theme on my mind recently has been "why did this happen?"  I finally worked up the courage to ask my mother why she let me father hit me. She said because he did it with his older kids and he wouldn't have listened. It's kind of heartbreaking that my mother didn't even try to protect or defend me.  Out of all the times it happened, she could hear and she didn't try. When I asked her about it, it seemed like she had never even considered it a possibility to protect me, or stand between me and him. Not just physically but verbally too, she just a lets it happen. She said if she would get involved it would escalate the situation. In my mind, if the situation escalated, I would have known my mother had faith in me and my character and she was trying to defend and protect me, instead of feeling like I was on my own, like I was isolated. 

It's hard. These feelings are awful. The hurt, it hurts. There isn't a bandaid I can stick on there and call it good. It's like every time something's happens, this huge physical, mental and emotional wound on reopened again. There was a campaign somewhere and the projected this image:

 

People then had the opportunity to cast a shadow onto the scene. Not once, did a person stand in on me. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, but it is my experience. I love how people stepped in:

 

 There are many things that remind me of things I've been told, feelings I want to forget. The lack of respect and trust for a person o should naturally feel those things for. The feelings of being scared is just another day in the life of me, along with locking myself in my room to have some "safe" place.

 
I know this, my dear sweet boy chooses me. I have found someone that chooses me after 22 and a half years. He loves me. He cuddles me. He misses me. I am glad I chose him. 

 

Dogs are loyal and have pure hearts. They love like nothing else. If you need some lovin, find a pup. Remember, you aren't alone. 

Goodbyes

Today, and this week have been strange. I've been having really bad head pain all week. I got a sunburn. My therapist wants to do trauma therapy, which I'm excited for, that means my triggers will hopefully be reduced. Today I also got to plunge a really really gross toilet. On my way home I was going to stop by a store to get some food for tomorrow. On my way, I saw something laying in the road. 

Raccoons are common, so are deer. This didn't have a stripped tail, like a raccoon and it wasn't a dog. I saw a gray cat. I was near the barn and I thought, "please don't be one of the cats." I pulled in the parking lot, ran into the store and said I'll be back in a minute, and I was going to check on something. I go out and run to the road, I don't want anyone to run over this cat. 

 

I get up to the road and I go and look at the cat, and it looks like one of the boys from the barn. It's black outside, 11:40 pm. I had my phone flashlight on, cars start coming so I stand in the road while deciding what to do, and shine the light on the cat, so they don't hit him. I pick him up, he's warm and limp. My heart just breaks. I am nervous making the call to my boss. It's almost midnight, not exactly social hour. She tells me to put the cat at the vet office across the street.

I take him inside the store (sorry, not sorry other boss) and I just held him. I take a picture and send it to confirm it is the cat. It looks like him. I can't bring myself to put him in the bag my friend brought. It doesn't seem right. I don't want this cute boy to die "alone." He lived a good life. He was a barn cat. I just held him. I couldn't put him down. 

 

Goodbyes have always been a weak spot of mine. I wanted to cry, and I did shed some tears. I can't believe I won't see this troublemaker at the barn. His brothers and sisters won't know what happened, along with all the other barn cats. 

When did a simple trip for Gatorade turn into a cat recovery? Not that I mind. I don't like the posts online for missing animals and the ache when they aren't found. I'm sad I had to make the call, I'm sad I couldn't have done more. I didn't want him to have bugs or raccoons get to him before the vet can get his body. I want him to be disposed of honorably. I held him for an hour, I placed him in a box, he rode in the cab while we drove to the vet, I placed him in a bag and another box, and set him by the door. I also talked to him and asked why he had wandered to the road. I told him I missed him. I don't regret a thing. My heart bleeds for him.

 

It seems like goodbyes are in abundance in my life recently and it is really really hard. I get depressed more than usual and more anxious for all the changes. I am nervous I won't make it through the future. 

Lots of time, I would rather put up with the brutal reality than change something, but after a bunch of months I am burned out. My body feels like it is slowly dying. With all the other "unexpected blows" of life, some days I don't know how much more I can take. I am trying to build a positive future and trying to make good decisions. Sometimes I feel like the cat, I feel like I got hit by a car, I feel alone, I want someone to protect me, hold me and not let go. I'm heartbroken for this dear boy, and his silly antics. 

I didn't even notice (or care at all) I had his blood on me until I put him in the box. Washing it off, while bacterial cleansing, helped me hope I wouldn't forget him as easily as the blood came off my skin. I don't want to just "brush him off." One of my biggest fears is being forgotten. I wanted him to feel loved and not forgotten. I wanted him to feel noble. If you've felt this way, you aren't alone. 

Overloaded

I don't know about you, but my brain gets overloaded. The past two weeks have been really difficult.  There has been some (or a lot of) family things happening. There has also been work, and lots more work. I haven't known what to feel or how to even deal with it all.
My dog is so good to me. My boss told me about a friend of his that recently died in his sleep and his dog kept running from his bed to his parents and when his parents found his cold body, one of his legs was kept warm from his dog laying on him. His dog kept searching for him in the days after his death. Some moments when life gets hard, I think of that. I think of Sport looking for me, like he waits for me at the door, and it keeps me going.

People wonder if I can leave him, the answer is no, no, definitely not. Sport keeps me going. I'm not going to move forward without him. He might make life a little more challenging, but he keeps my life going.  He keeps inspiring me to be better. He is a constant source of pure love in my life and I need that.
I know the future holds changes and I'm scared. I am nervous and anxious about change in my life. Over the past two weeks there have also been intimate conversations that have touched me and help me remember that I am not alone. Life has it's lonely moments when it feels like absolutely everything is falling apart, again, everything seems to be crumbling to the ground and life seems to have no point or structure. The depression and anxiety hit in tidal waves that knock me over and make me not want to move or reach out, I want to hide. I don't want people to see me weak and struggling, still. I don't want to be vulnerable. I stay and hide in my room from the world and from everything, trying to find a moment of peace. I push through the tired, and the stupid comments of a supervisor. I try to help others even when I feel like I have absolutely nothing to give and my energy is beyond gone. I try to survive. These things are real and they are really hard. So remember, you aren't alone. Find what keeps you going and don't let it go.

Redeemed

Easter, the day I celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. With all my struggles recently I didn't know if I'd be able to finish listening to The Book of Mormon before Easter. I mean, I've been reading it for two years and not finished it yet. But I did finish it on Friday. The biggest thing that stood out to me was Charity.

I was able to go to a mission reunion a few weeks ago. During that we had a little inspirational meeting and we sang a few verses from a song:

It touched my heart. There is something special singing with my fellow missionaries, it's a very sweet feeling. I was also touched because I felt the song said things about how I was feeling and the challenges I was and am going through.

Since then I have also started listening to the Book Of Mormon again while I'm at work.  Life has still has many challenges and it feels like more are added every week. I recently met with my church congregation leader about some of these challenges and he listened and counseled with me about some of these things. One piece of advice he gave me was when I pray to only express thanks. Because I feel scared or nervous to ask for things. It is difficult and a bit awkward, I didn't know how to end my prayer at the end of our meeting when only giving thanks; usually I say a statement like, "I pray and ask for these things..." but I wasn't asking for anything so that would be out of place. I know I felt the Spirit during the prayer and as I was thinking about things I am grateful for, more things would come to my mind that I normally don't express gratitude for. Most of them weren't things money could buy, but they were blessings or things God has given to me, and some of them have been faith trying things to do and I am so grateful for that.

Another interesting thing happened, in my church the women visit other women from the congregation. With everything that has been happening this month and the last two weeks, visiting with these sweet women seemed to get pushed further down the line of things to do. Yesterday I was able to converse with them over the phone.

One of these woman I have known for years. She has been a church leader I have had close association with over my life. I've known her since I was 5. As we spoke on the phone she said, "I've been thinking about you" and I started to cry. I don't like to ask for help. I know people are busy and they have work, family, and jobs. But when life is tough I generally shut off from the world. I don't want to burden others with my problems. She continued to share with me thoughts she had been having.

• One of them was if I am doing too much and if there is something I can take out of my life to make it easier and less stressful. 
• Another thought was to take five minutes and make a list of things that make me happy and when I start feeling depressed, go and do something on the list and add to it from time to time. She shared after a different woman from our congregations husband passed away, she had done this and if she was doing something on the list she told herself, "name, you're doing something on your list, these things make you happy." 
• A third thought she shared was, when I pray, she feels I have a special connection with heaven. I know I am not the best at praying, especially when I am struggling. But it meant alot. That she said she feels God is really listening when I pray. Coming from a woman I have looked up to for over 75% of my life, that means a great deal, especially when I feel these challenges have brought me to feel low in my abilities. 

Another woman I visit with from my congregation, I have a special memory with when I was 13 and my mom was in the hospital, things got especially rough and I started feeling suicidal. I had sent a message to her daughter and she and her daughter had come to my house. Her daughter talked to me for over 2 hours and she had stayed in the car and was praying for me. Every time I visit her I am reminded of this experience and how thankful I am that she came to my house that night.

There are a a couple other ladies in my life that have really helped me the last few months. They have helped when I have been struggling in more ways than I can count. From texts of advice, and support to helping with questions and concerns I have. I am grateful for the people in my life. I have been given support from. I am also grateful for the short cute texts or calls from people. I am grateful for Jesus Christ and God for their love for me.

I encourage you to do some of the things that have been suggested to me if you are feeling down. I don't have all the answers, my life isn't perfect, I am trying to do the best I can. I'm trying to help other know that they aren't the only one struggling. Please remember, you are not alone.

Unsaid

Today I ended up covering a shift at work.  Maybe it is from working 35 hours in the last 3 days, but I made it to the verge of tears a few times today. I don't like to cry.

At UPS, my supervisor asked if I had depression because my boyfriend wasn't taking me out. I wish he actually knew that is not what causes depression. I also learned in California medical marijuana can be used for ADHD.

I worked with a coworker I haven't in a while. They are a mutual friend with Him. They only wanted to talk about him for 4 hours today. For not trying to think about him, that sure made it difficult.

She shared some things he had said, things he had never said to me about his feelings towards things I had done. I thought our friendship and relationship was based off honesty and loyalty. Now I'm starting to feel like I didn't know him at all. It was a really rough afternoon. It felt like I had the wind knocked out of me, again. I felt crushed.

I try to see the best in people. I get really discouraged when I find out people aren't who I thought they are. My coworker also thinks I let people take advantage of me. But what makes me sad is my disappointment in myself. I feel like I was blinded and naive.

Days like today solidify my belief in Netflixing and hermitting (locking out the world). I feel like if I don't let people in, I don't get hurt. Every time I do, it hurts more when they leave. Yep, life is lonely. Yep, I'm working like 60 hours a week, maybe sleeping 6 a night if I'm lucky.

I would rather someone tell me something honestly and to my  face than trying to "save face" and "spare me." What does sparing someone even do? It hurts then more when they find out the truth. I read on one of those Christian sign boards a long  ago, "half truths are whole lies." I'm trying  to stay positive, and think that I wasn't stupid about everything.

If you've been hurt, or disappointed you aren't the only one. It is hard, really hard. I don't know when it will  feel better. I don't know if you or I will ever find people that value things the same way we each do. I don't know. I also don't know if there was more left unsaid. If you don't know, you are not alone.

Walls

It has been an interesting week.  At therapy this week I was told I haven't made as much progress as my therapist would have liked me to have made by now. First thoughts are  disappointment in the situation, but more with myself.  I have been trying. I feel like I'm in a situation where I'm trying to find the magical "drop all the walls" button, but I don't know where it is, or how to press it. I don't know how or what to do.

My walls, like letting people get close, letting them "in." I feel like every time a different situation happens, another wall is built. Now, according to my therapist, there are so many layers of walls and I have to pull them all down in order to make progress. My therapist doesn't think we should keep meeting - which in my mind and life comes across as another person thinking, "I'm not good enough and walking away."

Yes, it is hard to trust someone I only spend one hour with a week, and I see them in the same location. Yes, it is hard to talk about all the things I struggle with  a "stranger." Yes, it is hard changing the way I've acted and reacted things for the last 22.5 years of my life.

What's also incredibly hard is trusting people and getting hurt by people you thought wouldn't hurt you.  It's hard not trusting people who you should be able to trust.  It's hard continuing to believe circumstances will improve and then nothing changes. It feels like my heart gets ripped out, crushed and beaten every time a person leaves, so why in my logical mind, would I want to do that again?  From a person that feels hurt, damaged and like I have little to offer the world, yes, it is hard to have friends and let people in. I feel like they gain nothing from associating with me, other than my needs, problems and inadequacies.

It is hard to say how I'm actually feeling when people ask, "how are you?" Do I spare you the awkwardness if I say, "tired, bad, depressed, hopeless" and instead respond with, "good, great, or awesome?"  I've learned if you say the latter, people respond, if you say the former it gets really quiet and people don't know what to say. That, and I work at a gas station so I'm supposed to be happy, right?

If I spare the world a "Samantha Belle Roan," then I can't hurt others, and I can't be hurt. If I don't put myself out there, yes, I am incredibly lonely, but I'm not hurting and wondering how I'll make it to tomorrow.  I don't feel disappointed that I wasn't enough and that I didn't try enough, if another person who has said they'll stick around leaves.  I won't have to worry about another person experiencing my depression or anxiety, and they won't have to help when I'm hung up on the same issue time after time. I won't continue to feel like I'm not good enough for my family so why would anyone else want me in their life?

Hurting, it sucks. No one talks about the struggle. This awful and slow struggle. There isn't a medicine to instantly fix it. There are more questions than answers, more memories remembered than desired to be made, more loneliness than love. In the past few weeks I can say I've tried to think of my good qualities, and although they may be specific in words and not broad adjectives, I can say, I am trying to find who I am. I am trying to think positively. I am trying to not press  "shut down to basic human functioning" option. I am trying, and sometimes, that is the GREATEST accomplishment of all.

If you are trying, even if we're strangers, I'm so proud of you! I know it isn't easy. I know you might want to cry and give up. I want to cry and give up most days. From a person that doesn't give up easily on others, I give up easily on myself. I have faith in you to try, to keep trying. The internal battle to try and love or to shut out the world, it's real.  You can do hard things, and this may seem like the hardest thing you've ever had to do and keep doing. Don't give up on you. If you need a few minutes, take it. Please, do not give up. You are not alone.

Six months

It's safe to say, meaning with 100% probability, that these next few weeks are going to be hard. This weekend is General Conference, when I listen to church leaders speak to the world. It happens every six months, which brings back memories of six months ago. Lots of things happened six months ago.

Six months ago I watched conference with him, we worked on his truck, test drove it up the canyon while we listened to conference, visited his dad. It brings back memories of, "how did you know that story?" And "if you were a fish where would you be?" My response, followed by a "that's my girl." It brings back those memories of being on the bridge and looking at the river, with his hands resting on the bridge on both sides of me, and him standing very close behind me.

Almost six months ago was also both of our birthdays, which included more truck fixing, drives and birthday celebrations. Working endlessly on my birthday, he told me he had barely made it home from work in his truck. I called my sister to come cover for me at work so I could take him to the auto part store. He ended up replacing my burned out head lights. He cried and said he wanted it to be perfect and maybe grab dinner and he forgot I had to work, but it wasn't going right, and he still hadn't been able to tie the "perfect" fly for me. My heart yearned to comfort him. What mattered to me was being together, not all the other stuff.

On his birthday, I wanted to celebrate the man that brought me happiness and joy and light. I tend to get excited and go overboard. I wanted him to feel loved and appreciated. I ordered this book with all the things I loved about him, doing with him, etc. I got some other things I thought he'd enjoy.

The biggest thing is, six months ago we were talking, everyday. Six months ago, I saw saw. Six months ago, there was happiness. Six months later, we aren't talking, and haven't talked. Six months later, we haven't seen each other. Six months later, everything reminds me of him. I still search for him in everything. I still hope he wants to talk to me, but he hasn't. He would always say, "if I care, I'll do something about it."

It is hard accepting the fact someone doesn't care about you. It is hard not having answers. It is hard moving on. I feel like moving on means giving up and I don't want anyone to feel given up on.

When someone or something is so integral to your memories, it's hard not to remember them, not to hurt, not to miss them. It's hard not to know if you meant anything to them. It's hard to feel. Right now, I'm on a netflix and chill by myself sort of stage. You can't get hurt if you don't interact with people.

Six months later, I'm struggling. I know it will be hard until things aren't associated with him. I am trying not to "recluse" myself. I'm trying to get out. I'm trying to not sink into this memory wormhole. But I've also decided, you have to take care of yourself. This week, was the first time  probably a year when I ate a decent meal at once a day, which is HUGE progress for me. It might have also been my only meal, but it wasn't snack crackers and Gatorade. This week, I made a little progress in therapy. This week I also struggled, my debit card had fraudulent transactions, and work was a joke. This week, I had friends  help and go out of their way to say hi when they knew I  was/am struggling.

Hopefully a year or six months from now I'll have more answers. If you are struggling, you're not alone.

Nostalgia

About 4 weeks before I turned 9, my uncle Craig suddenly passed away. There wasn't any warning. I always looked up to my "Uncle Corky." This year will be 14 years without him.

He was so giving. I think I wanted to be like him. I remember him teaching me how to make a low resonance by blowing air just right on an almost empty water bottle. He would always bring us mind teasers,  and games and toys. Maybe my love of trucks came from his "old rusty." I miss him. I think I started growing out and donating my hair to locks of love because he did. My counseling appointments are right by  house. I took a trip down memory lane today.

Today I was thinking on all the things he hasn't been here for. How much I wish I had more time with him. When I get down, and have bad thoughts, I think of my sweet nieces and nephews. I think of all the experiences they would want me at, the games they'd want me to play with them, running around the yard with them, fishing with them, laughing and cuddling with them. I think of the things I would deprive them of. 

I don't agree with Miley Cyrus all that often, but she had a song that says, "I miss you, I miss your smile, and I still shed a tear every once in a while, even though it's different now, you're still here somehow, my heart won't let you go and I need you to know, I miss you. 

Even when it doesn't feel like it, there is always someone that will miss you. Remember those people. They will help you in your weak moments. You are not alone. 

One Year

One year ago I started a new job working at a gas station near my house. I was trying to find me. I had taken the semester off of school, got in a car wreck, getting over a guy. I was feeling pretty great about life and thought, "why not work at a gas station?"

One year ago today, I met my best friend for the last year. I didn't know it at the time. I didn't know he loved bugs and rivers and mountains and everything I did. I didn't know I'd spend hours talking to him, texting him or calling him. I didn't know when we met he would help me through some really rough things like getting kicked out of my house and my sisters very short engagement. I didn't know I'd open up to him more than anyone else or that he would be my "go-to" person.

The last year has been a reminder that God is mindful of me. It has been the best and hardest year of my life. Today also marks 10 weeks since I have really spoken with him and my heart breaks, it shatters, again.  When I thought about this before, I couldn't breathe and I honestly don't know how I've made it 10 weeks. A week of not talking for every month we did. We had talked everyday for months. We had seen each other for months. Now he's gone and this void seems to be there no matter what I do. Every day is hard, and I think about him and I'm reminded of him at least 300 times.

Today I watched the movie Charly, and it brought back the void, the pain, everything I've been struggling to deal with. I thought about the pills I picked up yesterday and thought about taking more than I should. Why? Because I hurt, I hurt SO much. I want to stop hurting, I want to be numb. I want to be fine and happy.

I think it's harder to not be able to talk to a living person than a dead person. I know he's alive and I can't talk to him. Even though I have other coworkers, it isn't the same, they aren't him. I don't know how long I will hurt. I don't know how much longer I can go out and try to forget about him, because I can't. I keep working 40, 50, 60 hours weeks to try and stay distracted and it doesn't work. I can't sleep and if I do, he shows up in my dreams.

There have been great milestones the last year. Completing 4 credit hours and not miserably failing, working 3 jobs at once and not dying, getting diagnosed and medicated, two awesome work families, getting a "second" mom and "adopted" sister that have helped me so much, visiting my family, adopting Sport, getting a truck, returning 4 found dogs. Lots of great things have happened this year. Here's to celebrating my work family.

If you feel like you're about to go down the "rabbit hole," start a list of the good things that have happened for you, do something for  someone else, go outside and breathe. You are not alone.

Vulnerability

You know that Disney song from Mulan where she talks about not being the perfect bride or daughter, how she feels like maybe she's not made for this. She talks about who is this girl she sees standing there, staring back at herself and wondering when will her reflection show who she is inside.

That's how I've been feeling recently. Who am I? Am I the person I see in the mirror? Am I showing my true colors?

This is probably the main thing my therapist has been focusing on. He says how I view myself is important. Let's just say, he wasn't too thrilled when I came in for my appointment today and hadn't done the assignment of listing good qualities or characteristics about myself. I was rehung up on "well, what if it isn't true" or "what if that's who I want to be, but I'm not" or my go tos, "I'm just a disappointment, I don't do anything right, etc."

Well he gave me the choice and said if I don't change, my relationships will keep sucking and I'll keep pushing people away, or I can get rid of all my defenses and become vulnerable and have the possibility for a successful relationship. But either way will be hard and I will probably get hurt in the future too.

I DON'T like feeling vulnerable at all. I firmly believed if you protected yourself you couldn't get hurt - but I've been wrong about that. I also believed if you're harder on yourself it doesn't hurt as much when others criticize you - but then it becomes this monster in your head.

As much as I'm honestly scared I'll be disappointed when I look in the mirror and see "me," I want to be confident in me and who I am.

I am trying to be vulnerable. I've been fighting against this idea for a long time. So if you're struggling with this, remember you're not alone.

I get by with a lot of help from my Friends

I have some amazing people in my life. I know I've mentioned struggling with the loss of friendship recently, and it is hard, but I have been blessed with other people in my life as well. Co-workers, friends, family of friends, classmates, church friends, family, and labmates.

There have been many nights without sleep, lots of days without peace. There have been phonecalls, texts and conversations of encouragement, counsel, and comfort. Reassurance when I doubt myself. I feel blessed by the support I have in my life. I know I'm not the easiest to be around, but the last 20 months have brought some INCREDIBLE people into my life.

Although I went to the cabin, I did have a internal battle as well. I was able to talk to a friend and I felt like I struggled through last semester, like crawling to the finish line. I was inspired by this friend who was going to school full time and rocking at class.  I am inspired by lots of my classmates and friends. During this internal struggle and conversation with my friend, she said she was inspired by me last semester. I felt like my jaw dropped, I didn't feel inspiring.

Family isn't always those who are your blood. I've learned that the hard way. Who is in your family? Who supports you? Who believes in you? Who can you turn to for strength when you struggle? It may not always seem like a ton of people, but I promise that there are people that love you.
You aren't alone.

Thank you to everyone in my life.

Off the grid

This weekend was the first time in I can't remember how long I didn't have to work. The biology lab I work in planned to go to my professors cabin for an overnight adventure.

Do you ever have those days with good intentions of being on time, then you somehow get off? That was yesterday.  It has been a long week. I was so tired on my way up there I was glad that  I didn't fall asleep while driving. When I got there, everyone was already on a hike, so I just hung out and decompressed which was nice. I even accidentally feel asleep.

Photo creed: Becca Clement

When everyone got back we had lots of chips, desserts and enjoyed a wonderful fire. We also played a game called Nerts. Which I had never done before. We stayed up late talking so that nap was very helpful.

I slept in front of the fireplace. It was marvelous.

It was hard not having cell service, but it was SO great. I love being in nature. I love remember what it is like not to have power, or running water. I love fires. I loved being able to see a herd of 30+ deer run across fields this morning. I loved falling asleep by these huge windows I could look at the stars through. I love that even though I haven't been to most lab meetings recently, they that still wanted me there and they didn't bring up why I haven't been there. I had anxiety about being late, but I had lots of fun too. It is hard for me to socialize when I feel anxious or depressed, I was debating not going in general. I am glad I did.

Check out this toilet. 

You aren't alone. Plan to take some "you" time this week. Go "off the grid" if you need to. Find your thoughts, not your cell phone.

Ruffin it

Last year, I began searching for a dog. I was particular to older dogs, hopefully a lab of some sort. I was looking but I hadn't asked my parents or anything. March, April and May, it was a private thing. I told a few people but not many. I continued to search through thousands of online adds. The summer months came and I searched more, I desperately wanted to find a dog. I think it goes back to that desperation to love and be loved.

August came and I found this post about a older yellow lab. I hadn't been huge fan of boys because my sisters female dog was still living with us and I didn't want there to be problems. Something about it felt good and it felt too good to be true. I texted the number immediately - even though I still hadn't discussed this idea with my parents. To my surprise I was the first one to inquire about this amazing dog. Within a few days there was another inquiry and I had to either do something or let this dog I hadn't even met yet go.

I finally talked the idea over and it became a "family discussion." My sisters dog was still with us and there was some complications with the HOA (home owners association) rules, that we were only allowed one dog. They wanted me to get a cat. As much as I love cats, they just aren't dogs. You can't snuggle them, they dont usually greet you at the door and lick you and go adventuring with you.

We did a trial and it went well. My family said we could keep him and I was thrilled. It has been 7 months since I adopted him and today is his 8th birthday. He has been such a huge blessing to me. He is my big shadow, my work companion, my water lover, my snuggle buddy, my energizer puppy. He helps me get out of bed when I feel the black abyss and don't want to move. He greets me at the door when I get home. He thinks every minute is an opportunity to play. He is an example of love and loyalty to me. He still loves me even when I shut my door to get sleep, even when I go to work and can't play with him as much as both of us want. He gets up every morning when I go to work in the middle of the night. He puts up with his countless nicknames. He is a gentle giant, a lover. He is the greeting committee at the park. He is a couch hog, a sweet potato connoisseur, a snow-dozer and roller.

Happy Birthday "old boy." To celebrate we got LOTS more water toys.

.     

Scared to ask

Last year I was in a relationship that opened my eyes to qualities I did and didn't want in future relationships with anyone.  I started to pray, I mean really pray, about this stuff.

I wanted someone who would love me for me, who I could be me with. Someone who was patient with me, supports me, and encourages me. Someone who laughs with me. Someone who can deal with my family. Someone who will be there for me. Someone who is good at giving hugs. Someone I would feel comfortable with, and who would laugh at my terrible attempts at puns. Someone who loves their family. Someone who could help me see other perspectives in situations and who I would actually listen to. Someone who had similar values like honesty, loyalty, and integrity. Someone who had similar interests.

Everyday for months I prayed and suddenly I started to feel like "this person" was right in front of me. We became amazing friends. For months I felt like this person was an answer to my prayers. I don't think anyone could have been more perfect. I felt like it had been God who helped me meet this person.

I question: Why didn't it last? Was it because I stopped praying for those things? Did I make too many mistakes? Did I ruin it? Was it really an answer to prayers or was it all in my head?

Now, I am scared to pray. I'm scared to ask for those things again. I had it and then I lost it, and it hurts so much. It is so incredibly hard to have the thing you wish for the most, and to experience it, and then to have it gone, ended, over. I have never felt more "me" than I did during that friendship.

I'm scared to be that happy again. I'm scared to trust again. I'm scared to put myself out there again. I'm scared this could go so right, then end, and we'll be strangers again and I'll struggle again to put my life back  and not be and to talk to that person everyday. I'm scared because I know no matter how much I'll hurt, I'll still care about that person and think about that person and want to know they're happy.  I'm scared to keep loving and losing.

Life is about trying again, or so I'm told. If you've ever felt this way, you're not alone.

Fears

There are things that scare me. Things that definitely make me nervous. Eating bugs, holding snakes and huge bugs and spiders definitely fall into this category.

Today, I was able to do two of these things.  Today I held a tarantula - his name is Chaco, and he is my friend's pet spider. He is so sweet and cute.

The biology lab I participate in on campus went to a local elementary school for a after school bug club. As their treat, we tried barbeque flavored meal worms. It isn't a crunch that satisfies. But I did it, we ALL did it. And I was nervous, oh yeah. I was scared. I felt a little embarrassed about it too.

But I did it! You can do things you are scared or nervous about too! We all have fears, but we also have courage. Don't let it paralyze you. You got this! You can take your time. You are not alone.

Nine Years

Nine years ago my mom went to the E.R. I was in a ballet class when I heard. I wasn't allowed to see her for the first four days. I lived at a friends house practically that whole month she was in the hospital. The doctors didn't know what was wrong for the first week or so.

One of the nights I spent back at home I remember thinking, "what if my mom dies? What if I go downstairs in the middle of the night and she's not there anymore?" That was a rough night. I thought my family would fall apart if she didn't make it. Which led to another night where I felt like I was just a burden in the situation and I thought about suicide at age 13.  A friend came over and that meant a lot to me - I didn't kill myself.

My sister was in Turkey for a few weeks, my father was at the hospital, and I was allowed certain visiting hours and time limitations, conversation parameters. Everything was controlled. I just wanted my mom.

There was nothing I could do for my mom and I felt so helpless seeing her lay there with all these tubes and machines connected to her. Helping her stand and do laps around the floor. She went in and out of the ICU a few times.

If I had known at that time, my mom would prepare me to lose a dear friend a few months later, I don't think I would have known how to respond. Both situations were very difficult. I am glad my mom is better now. I can't picture the last 9 years without her.

Do you have things you still think about and remember? Scary situations you were unsure about? Life is scary, and it is ok not to feel comfortable and confident every moment of the day. You are not alone.

Chris the blind man

I am convinced there are no accidents in this life, which doesn't make life any easier. Sometimes unexpected moments are the moments that impact us when we need it most. Today I went to the bank and I saw a man standing outside. When I came outside I learned his name is Chris. Chris is at least 30, he is doing research at the library and he is blind. Like we're talking - he reads Braille. He is from Korea.

Chris inspired me in a 5 minute car ride to the library. He inspired me to dream big. He is blind, here in America, doing research.  He walks to the library, he trusts strangers to guide him and help him. There is a quote that says, "if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." I've been scared to dream that big - scared to fail. The last few weeks I have started to follow one of my dreams and I am finding support in it from strangers.

He also said to be careful behind the horses and wanted to know if horses swim (yes, they do).

What dream are you scared of? What holds you back? You aren't alone. The future is scary. Just take a day at a time and remember, it's okay to ask for help.

God Cares

The past two to three weeks have been difficult. Having a sick dog that no matter what I tried to do it didn't seem to help him and finally going to the vet which costs quite a bit - especially for tests that are only 70% accurate.

The next week I got "temporarily laid off" because I can't get fired. But they can't tell me when they'll need me to work again so I  looking and applying for all sorts of jobs while stressing about money.

I let my boss' know and by some heaven sent blessings I have been able to pick up more shifts. That being said, I was still stressed about the payments I needed to make this month.

In my church there is a principle called Tithing. It's when you donate 10% of your income to the church. I have been behind on it this year from trying to stay on top of bills and unexpected expenses. But I decided to add the numbers up and pay it, even though I would be short on money the rest of the month.

Guess what? One of my expenses was somehow discounted - the businessman didn't even know why when I asked him to doublecheck the price, he was shocked but said it was true. I received two paychecks this week, the day before I needed them to pay other bills. I have been able to continue to have additional shifts and hours at both of my jobs and I feel really blessed.

I didn't plan this. I didn't think this would happen. I thought I would have to take out a loan. This quote seems fitting:

Take the leap of faith in whatever it is you need to do. I know it is scary. You are not invisible and God will provide for you. You are not alone.

Tough cookies

Have you ever been scared to move on? I am, ALL the time. Today I covered another shift at work and my friend asked if I was more excited for my date with him or with this guy. I said, "him." She said, "did you love him from the start?"
"Yes, I did. From the moment I met him."

I have loved him, secretly and not so secretly, been in love with him for 10 months. I thought he was different. There were times when he chose me, said things to me, gave me hope that I wouldn't be disappointed or left again. Then I was left. I was alone. I was heart broken in more ways than one. My best friend, confidant, jester, my "trusted safe" was gone. My world came crashing down and I didn't know what to think or how to feel. What I was expected to think and feel and how I was supposed to act? I can't pretend I'm this happy little Barbie doll that never cries.

I don't know if I'm ready to date again. I don't know if I even want to. If I want to open myself up to be judged, be vulnerable, to give right now, do I even have anything to give?

Some people tell me, "who wouldn't want you? You're the complete package." Well, after people keep walking out of your life and not choosing you, guess what I don't feel like? The complete package. Who wouldn't choose me? Well, everyone in my life up until now.

I am scared to move on. Part of me hopes he'll come back into my life and help me feel alive, like I hadn't felt in a long time, that he'll change his mind and he'll choose me. I'm not the girl that will date others just to make him jealous. I'm scared if I let him go, he'll be forgotten, maybe that's what he wants. If I move on and I'm happy and he changes his mind, what will I do? The "what if" game constantly in my head.

Tonight I went out. I was nervous. It went better than I thought it would and I'm scared. Part of me didn't want to have a good time because that would lead to more dates. Another part of me says, don't do it - don't get attached, don't be happy. It tells me not to move on. Moving on has always been hard for me. I'm torn. I'm scared that I still love him and I don't want to make it down the aisle one day and realize I never got over him and  "what ifs?" about a life with him. I don't want anyone to feel like they are second in my heart. I want to be able to say I love someone completely - but with him in there - it's hard. I let him in like no one else before.

Part of me wishes I could live without this emotional heart, that I could rip it out and  continue to live. But you know what? This broken heart, is a sign I'm still alive. It's constant beating is a reminder of that.  That broken things still work. I don't know if hearts ever heal the same. This confusion and these decisions in my head - I don't want to deal with it, any of it.

The thing  about being a "tough cookie" is to most people you're devalued, underappreciated, and neglected. But to the person who likes that sort of thing, you are magnificent and delightful, and sweet. You are the "Crème de la crème," the best of the best. If you're stuck inbetween moving on and staying put, take a breather. You don't need to have all the answers right now.

 Celebrate the small things you amazing tough cookie with a motivational Oreo (or  your own indulgence of choice). A motivational Oreo can be enjoyed for getting out out bed, prior to starting a task, any and multiple fractions of completion during the task, job accomplishment, when you just need a minute, or any other time.  After all, you are what you eat, and I like tough cookies.

No Regrets

It's been five weeks since I last heard from you. Questioning my motives, intentions, thoughts, moves, gestures, everything I said and did. It hasn't stopped the pain and the hurt, the unanswered questions constantly filling my mind. Overwhelmed with doubt and self blame that all my mistakes and inadequacies caused this catastrophic event to happen - the fact we aren't talking, at all.

That my therapist says I'm "normal" for the way I was raised, the emotional abuse I went through. That it isn't my fault for another failed relationship, but it is, it is my fault for this and every failed relationship up until now. Why? Because apparently no matter how hard I try I push people away - and that is MY fault. I still blame myself - for everything I wasn't good enough for and at. Why? Because that's how I was raised. Yes, I am so desperate to be loved and be chosen for once. I won't deny it. Yes, I want someone to choose me, to want me - because my whole life I haven't been chosen and I haven't been wanted. I have struggled my whole life.

Yes, I trust too easily and I still want to believe in true love. I want to believe that I won't be ignored anymore. That I can be good enough for just one person to want me in some portion in their life. All I've ever wanted to be is enough. Good enough, pretty enough, fast enough, smart enough, favorite enough - I've never been it, any of it.

But in all of these mixed emotions - I can say, I tried my best not to let you or anyone in my life experience the lack of love and acceptance I have experienced in my life. All I ever tried and wanted was for you to know you were loved and appreciated by at least one person in this world. I wanted you to know that I would always be there, and I would do anything and everything I could for you, to help you at any moment, on any day even if it wasn't convenient or easy. I wanted you to feel worth it. To feel the things I have never felt but want to give because I don't think I'm the only one who is searching for those things. I want to fill the world with more love.

I still pray for your happiness, everyday. I think about you more than I should. I still cry and want to rip my heart out from the feelings I don't know how to deal with. Crying/balling in front of horses and wanting to collapse on the floor. From the void I feel without you in my life. But I want your happiness more than my own. I've always been last, even to myself.

Today was the first time in over five weeks (that I can't seem to stop counting), that you talked to me. We used to  everyday for 8+ months. My heart felt like the dagger that's stabbed in it, turned again, like it was ripped open again, and why did you respond - because of a car - not for friendship. I don't know if you want to be friends. If we're still your definition of "pals." To me, you'll always be - even if it kills me. I'll never give up on someone, you, because I have experienced so many times what it feels like when someone gives up and walks out on me.

You're not alone. Your love isn't wasted. You are enough. You are more than enough. You are brave. You keep living even after you've been hurt. Keep going you amazing human! I'm on your side. If you ever need a friend, you've got a friend in me.

Why am I alive?

Last year,  on Valentine's day I was in a car  accident. Since that day there have been  many times where I have asked myself, "why am I alive?" To be honest, I don't have  an answer.  This past year has been  the  hardest  of  my  life.  There  are many  times I  think to  myself, "it would  have been better  if I had  died." I worry and often times feel I  am a burden to those  around me,  that my interactions have  unintentionally  caused pain to those and me. I  feel I  struggle  at  basic things. I  feel I wouldn't have to experience my  current struggles and pains. I  wouldn't  get more attached  to people.

I  felt  perfectly  content to die last year.  It is a strange  feeling  being in a situation where  you don't know of you'll be alive in the next 5  seconds,  if you'll  be in a frozen lake and in a sinking car (luckily that didn't happen),  or if by some miracle that you feel  completely  undeserving of,  you can walk away  from the crash,  being the only one involved,  with  little  injuries, all things considered.

I  don't know why I'm  alive. I  don't know what would have happened if I did. I  don't know if I'll ever find out why I'm alive  after that particular experience.  Somedays I  don't want to be alive and the  hurt and the struggles feel so overwhelming  and huge.

With that pain and struggle I  also  feel my heart  burst with  gratitude for the experiences I have had the last year.  I  have  enjoyed 394 more beautiful sunrises and sunsets. I met  some  amazing  people that are  angels in my life  and I  thank  God  everyday for them in my life. The  things that have  gotten  me through this  year are the small  things.

Find out what they are for  you and enjoy them,  be grateful for them,  and let them be reminders  and  encouragement  to keep going  even if you,  like me,  don't know why you are alive.

Scars

Today, while I was at work I was thinking of this sweet horse. She is about 3 years old and has some basic training done. Last summer she and another horse went out to pasture for the summer. While they were there, she fell into a large hole and got stuck, here legs were hurt pretty bad.

It has taken months of care and she still has scars that are healing. Despite the pain she has experienced, not by anything she chose to do, but from a situation beyond her control, she continues to be one of the sweetest and gentleest horses.

The rain and snow keeps her in her stall most of the time to try and keep dirt from making an infection in her legs. Sometimes when I walk by her stall, her head is hung low in a depressed sort of way.

Today when I went in her stall, I rubbed her face, and she would lower her head in a comfortable and submissive gesture. She doesn't have to trust, she doesn't have to be patient and gentle. Lots of horses would be skittish and mean after a painful and traumatizing experience like hers.

I will admit, sometimes I am in a rushed work mode to get things done. I won't stand in a stall and rub a horse, maybe a pat or a rub here or there, but not standing  comforting a horse. Today was different. I stood there and just rubbed her. I felt a kindred spirit in her. A soul that has been hurt, but continues to love. A gentle spirit. I felt bad that such a sweet horse doesn't get more attention and love. She is often the "lesser" of the two horses. But I think she is the greater one. The other horse is in your face, she is needy for attention, but this one is patient, she respects your space even when she wants so much to be loved. I don't know how the other horse would be now if this had happened to her instead.

Some might think she is damaged or ugly for what she has experienced. Her scars aren't gone, they are still healing and they are a reminder that she is alive and she is a survivor. She is strong and she is beautiful. She is full of love. She is more than her scars. So are you and  am I. We are more than our past. You are beautiful and loved. You are strong even when you feel like breaking. You are more than your scars. In the words of a popsong, "you should know you're beautiful just the way you are, and you don't have to change a thing, the world could change its heart, no scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful."

You're not alone

One of the reasons I want to start this blog is for all the people who feel alone, who feel like they are the only person struggling. I know every time I get online I feel like everyone else's life is perfect and happy and struggle-free. Well, welcome to a place where you aren't alone. If you feel inadequate at life, in relationships, school, anything. Currently i'm taking a semester off of school, again, so you aren't the only one who may be going through this. If you've had feelings of self harm to make things better in some way alcohol, drugs, cutting, suicide, substances, you are not alone. If you are struggling mentally and emotionally, I am right on that same bus with you. I have anxiety, depression and ADHD - I might refer to this as the trifecta. If you are still living with your parents, it's okay, so am I and most of the time our relationship is still a struggle. If you feel loaded down by bills and life's unexpected challenges, I know how you feel. If you feel you don't fit life's status-quo, you are not alone. I hope this helps you not feel alone, isolated.

I had a friend say that sharing your story is one of the best things that can help others. I don't know if I can be influential or inspirational, but I am going to try - as well as be real. I don't know where "my story" starts, so i'm just going to plunge into the middle and things that are currently happening. Maybe we'll catch up on some of the other stuff on different occasions. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints (LDS). I am a Christian, but don't let that stop you from following along, I might post about God and I welcome your beliefs even if they differ from mine. If you do believe in something and you struggle with it and practicing it - you aren't the only one. I feel I struggle to pray and read my scriptures and go to church regularly. I want anyone and everyone to feel welcome on this page.

The last few weeks I have been struggling with the unknown, things I can't control and don't know. I went to California to try and get a break from things. It was sunny and warmer than this constant "snow globe" that Utah seems to be recently. I was able to "distract" myself from the overwhelming thoughts inside my brain temporarily but coming back to Utah seem to bring the weight of the world and my thoughts back with it. Yesterday was a rough day. The whole flight back I felt nauseous. I couldn't even wait at the airport for my ride - I had to keep moving just to try and stay sane and not barf my insides out. Too bad I also had to work. You may not think cleaning horse stalls is the most glamorous job on the planet - but I enjoy it and it does pay the bills. But going to any sort of work with an anxiety attack is very difficult. but I did it - I forced myself to go and it seemed to take FOREVER. about halfway through the struggle I thought of a conversation I had with a family member doing a preschool carpool. They offered a child a piece of flavored gum and the child soon responded with "rotten poop." A response the parent had said so the child wouldn't want the flavored gum. The child then proceeded to sing, "Rotten poop, rotten poop." So yesterday at work I starting to sing, "Rotten poop, Rotten poop." Maybe I could have sang "Horse manure" instead, but, I didn't.

After work, I got went to meet with my therapist - You're not the only one that has to figure stuff out either. We somehow managed to get to those "taped boxes in the attic of my memory." You might have ones in your own life, or you might not. The ones you don't like to talk about. The ones that make you feel weak, vulnerable, unlovable, damaged. The things that make you think there isn't anyone who would want to choose to love you and stick around.  The things you try to forget when you try to be "normal." The things you don't tell people. The things you try not to feel anymore because you don't want to keep reliving it. You don't want the pain anymore so you try and not feel, so you don't get hurt.

I don't like showing emotion, I feel it is seen in the world as a sign of weakness. Yesterday my therapist told me it is a sign of strength, and I 'm not sure that I agree with him, but it made me feel less vulnerable in that situation. If you are like me and have a big heart and you feel like you give and give and then get hurt, again and again. I hope you know (and I'm speaking to myself as well) that caring and having a big heart is hard, but it is not a sign of weakness.

Sometimes I feel like if I don't feel, then I can't get hurt. It's true and it works for me. I feel numb and I find solitary confinement within the walls of my room and avoid the world at almost all costs. I avoid interactions with people so I don't have to care, so I don't have to feel. I feel almost robotic.  Going and talking with a therapist sometimes is like the opposite - they want you to feel and relive the hurt and it is SO HARD. Yesterday - I felt emotionally, physically and mentally vulnerable. I felt weak. I feel like I shared something I have kept locked up for so long I felt drained. I know sleeping for 14.5 hours isn't normal and when you wake up you shouldn't still want to feel like sleeping - but for me, it helps the pain.

Finally when I roll out of bed the weight of having to go to work again and the reality of the longer I leave it the more manure there will be seems to settle on my brain and I can't put it off any longer. So I make it to work and work and work. It is taking forever and I can't seem to focus. I feel like I'm going half speed. While the speed doesn't really change - a text from a friend comes in that says, "this may be hard, but Christ is there for you." That helps, really it does, and I hope that your beliefs help you. It helps when people acknowledge this isn't easy, it's actually really really hard. Some days I just want it to magically be fixed and never come back. But that isn't reality. What is reality is that everyone struggles and YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Think of someone you know that wants to hear this and share it with them.