Unsaid

Today I ended up covering a shift at work.  Maybe it is from working 35 hours in the last 3 days, but I made it to the verge of tears a few times today. I don't like to cry.

At UPS, my supervisor asked if I had depression because my boyfriend wasn't taking me out. I wish he actually knew that is not what causes depression. I also learned in California medical marijuana can be used for ADHD.

I worked with a coworker I haven't in a while. They are a mutual friend with Him. They only wanted to talk about him for 4 hours today. For not trying to think about him, that sure made it difficult.

She shared some things he had said, things he had never said to me about his feelings towards things I had done. I thought our friendship and relationship was based off honesty and loyalty. Now I'm starting to feel like I didn't know him at all. It was a really rough afternoon. It felt like I had the wind knocked out of me, again. I felt crushed.

I try to see the best in people. I get really discouraged when I find out people aren't who I thought they are. My coworker also thinks I let people take advantage of me. But what makes me sad is my disappointment in myself. I feel like I was blinded and naive.

Days like today solidify my belief in Netflixing and hermitting (locking out the world). I feel like if I don't let people in, I don't get hurt. Every time I do, it hurts more when they leave. Yep, life is lonely. Yep, I'm working like 60 hours a week, maybe sleeping 6 a night if I'm lucky.

I would rather someone tell me something honestly and to my  face than trying to "save face" and "spare me." What does sparing someone even do? It hurts then more when they find out the truth. I read on one of those Christian sign boards a long  ago, "half truths are whole lies." I'm trying  to stay positive, and think that I wasn't stupid about everything.

If you've been hurt, or disappointed you aren't the only one. It is hard, really hard. I don't know when it will  feel better. I don't know if you or I will ever find people that value things the same way we each do. I don't know. I also don't know if there was more left unsaid. If you don't know, you are not alone.