I had a good conversation with my sister and we discussed a few things. The first thing that she expressed was sympathy for going through the same thing. For me, that helps me feel like I'm not crazy. It's not an invalidation, which I have felt in my life. It was a similar situation, with similar people.
The another thing we discussed was faith. We talked about how sometimes God's greatest blessings are unanswered prayers (Garth Brooks song). It is hard to not get answered prayers or prayers answered in the way I want. My sister shared a personal story, and I was grateful for that. She shared that you don't have to compromise who you are for what you think you want now. Now, she has what she truly wanted and she didn't have to sacrifice those things she was willing to. Ironically enough, the first time I heard that song was when I was cleaning stalls three days prior.
She also shared when she feels alone she thinks about the song "Angels among us" (by Alabama). It says, " I believe there are angels among us, Sent down to us from somewhere up above, they come to you and me in our darkest hours, to show us how to live, to teach us how to give, to guide us with light and love." This song has been a favorite of mine for years. Even when I feel alone, I am not alone.
She also went on and said that before this all happened, I had these qualities and I need to remember that, who I am. I need to remember my Spirit and the qualities and characteristics I came with. She told me I had this huge love for life and I could walk in a room and 10 minutes later I would be friends with everyone and they would all love me. She also said I had this faith that big things could happen from small things. There were times on my mission where I definitely felt this quality. She said she was inspiried by me. I was this energy filled, skinny, blonde sister, 17 years younger than her. In some ways, the age difference has been weird. In recent years, I have come to realize how big of a blessing it is. It was helpful to hear those things. I have been struggling with things about who I truly am versus who I want to be or who I think I am. It has also been interesting in the last few weeks the number of conversations I have had about my personal characteristics and qualities.
Another thing I have heard in the last few weeks is I am spunky. While going through depression and anxiety, I feel bland, dull and boring, majority of the time. So to hear that that isn't the case, brings me a bit of energy and a bit of hope that I'm not the way I am when I am depressed and anxious.
Sometimes I wish I could press a "factory reset" button, to be able to have that person my sister described and reminded me of on the phone. Sometimes I wish I could forget the challenges and the hurt and the load which I feel I'm carrying and be that person. That wouldn't be helpful to me in anyway though. I wouldn't learn anything. These struggles seem overwhelming majority of the time and to be honest, most of the time I don't know how I'm standing up. I have never been able to work this many hours and not be an awful person. I haven't been able to have this much longevity. I don't know how I've been occupied 70+ hours a week since September. I'm amazed that I haven't failed more. I want to remember that person my sister described. I want to be able to say with confidence, I know this is who I am, and these are my qualities instead of recognizing my faults and weaknesses often.
I also want to say an immense thank you for all the strong, amazing, inspiring women (and men) in my life. I am truly grateful for them. I am grateful for the friendship, support, encouragement, counsel, guidance and love they bring to my life. I am grateful for their examples and their faith. I have leaned on them and looked to them for help in the last while and I don't think I could have made it without them - of that I am absolutely positive. My sister said yesterday there will be people put in my life to help me and I believe that 1 million percent. I has helped so much.
Please reach out to those you know, I don't think you'll know the impact it means in the darkness of someone's life.
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