Vulnerability

You know that Disney song from Mulan where she talks about not being the perfect bride or daughter, how she feels like maybe she's not made for this. She talks about who is this girl she sees standing there, staring back at herself and wondering when will her reflection show who she is inside.

That's how I've been feeling recently. Who am I? Am I the person I see in the mirror? Am I showing my true colors?

This is probably the main thing my therapist has been focusing on. He says how I view myself is important. Let's just say, he wasn't too thrilled when I came in for my appointment today and hadn't done the assignment of listing good qualities or characteristics about myself. I was rehung up on "well, what if it isn't true" or "what if that's who I want to be, but I'm not" or my go tos, "I'm just a disappointment, I don't do anything right, etc."

Well he gave me the choice and said if I don't change, my relationships will keep sucking and I'll keep pushing people away, or I can get rid of all my defenses and become vulnerable and have the possibility for a successful relationship. But either way will be hard and I will probably get hurt in the future too.

I DON'T like feeling vulnerable at all. I firmly believed if you protected yourself you couldn't get hurt - but I've been wrong about that. I also believed if you're harder on yourself it doesn't hurt as much when others criticize you - but then it becomes this monster in your head.

As much as I'm honestly scared I'll be disappointed when I look in the mirror and see "me," I want to be confident in me and who I am.

I am trying to be vulnerable. I've been fighting against this idea for a long time. So if you're struggling with this, remember you're not alone.