Changes

This week has been good, really really good. I started off Monday moving out of my parents house. It has been like a breath of fresh air and I feel like I can breathe. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted. I don't feel like I have to hide in my room, eat by myself, be selfconscious about EVERYTHING. My anxiety has significantly gone down this week. I still question "am I being a bother or a burden?" But it isn't a constant thing on my mind.  I feel supported and I feel like I am part of something. 

The hard thing about this week has been moving stuff, working 5 jobs on top of each other. I don't know how the 5 jobs things even worked out. I finished my last week at UPS this week and I don't know what to do now that I'm not killing myself with physical labor all day, everyday. It feels relieving, I don't think I could have continued much longer. People ask me why I quit and I say, I've been doing 75-80 hours a week of stuff since September and I'm tired and burned out. One of the biggest blessings though is my recent job, where I don't have to do continuous hard labor, 6 hours a day. 

Because of this, I'm hoping to go back to school. I have hope for that. I don't feel like I'll fail. Another part of moving was feeling like I can't improve mentally, emotionally or physically if I'm not changing the unhealthy environment I'm in. I am so grateful that I have a place to live with my dog. He loves to be outside.  Also from this change in environment I have been able to sleep. My insomnia hasn't been as bad - which was really really helpful working so many hours this week. 

 

My anxiety and my depression isn't fixed. These changes have been hard. I don't want to leave my friends I've made at work. I don't want to have to cut certain life ties, but I needed to for me. I don't think it's a selfish choice, if you're sacrificing yourself constantly for others and it's really hurting you by doing that. I'm not going to lie and say everything has worked out great, because it hasn't. Others have reacted negatively to my choices and their nonsupport becomes more evident.  That hurts, but I have to remember it is their choice. 

I can't remember when the last time I could "take 5" or "relax" was. So to have time to breathe and think is weird, and awkward. Maybe I subconsciously make simple things more difficult, I don't know. 

I know I'm not the only one with challenges in my life. For the first time in a long time, I feel I am moving forward more than backward.  I don't feel like life swallowed me whole this week. From the 9 hours at the gas station, 30+ hours at UPS, 12 hours at pool 2, 7 hours at pool 1, 4 days at the horse barn (maybe another 12+ hours).  

 

 

It is hard leaving friends and having a great coworker move. It is hard changing jobs. Change is HARD, and that's okay. It's ok to feel uneasy about change, it's okay to be nervous and not have all the answers. Change takes faith.  But it can be worth it. There are still struggles I am facing. Things are temporary, which is also hard - I'm a person that likes things sure, steady and have answers. I'm trying to find the new temporary. 

If you struggle with change, with family, friends, new jobs, old jobs, anything, please remember you are not alone.