Today I ended up covering a shift at work. Maybe it is from working 35 hours in the last 3 days, but I made it to the verge of tears a few times today. I don't like to cry.
At UPS, my supervisor asked if I had depression because my boyfriend wasn't taking me out. I wish he actually knew that is not what causes depression. I also learned in California medical marijuana can be used for ADHD.
I worked with a coworker I haven't in a while. They are a mutual friend with Him. They only wanted to talk about him for 4 hours today. For not trying to think about him, that sure made it difficult.
She shared some things he had said, things he had never said to me about his feelings towards things I had done. I thought our friendship and relationship was based off honesty and loyalty. Now I'm starting to feel like I didn't know him at all. It was a really rough afternoon. It felt like I had the wind knocked out of me, again. I felt crushed.
I try to see the best in people. I get really discouraged when I find out people aren't who I thought they are. My coworker also thinks I let people take advantage of me. But what makes me sad is my disappointment in myself. I feel like I was blinded and naive.
Days like today solidify my belief in Netflixing and hermitting (locking out the world). I feel like if I don't let people in, I don't get hurt. Every time I do, it hurts more when they leave. Yep, life is lonely. Yep, I'm working like 60 hours a week, maybe sleeping 6 a night if I'm lucky.
I would rather someone tell me something honestly and to my face than trying to "save face" and "spare me." What does sparing someone even do? It hurts then more when they find out the truth. I read on one of those Christian sign boards a long ago, "half truths are whole lies." I'm trying to stay positive, and think that I wasn't stupid about everything.
If you've been hurt, or disappointed you aren't the only one. It is hard, really hard. I don't know when it will feel better. I don't know if you or I will ever find people that value things the same way we each do. I don't know. I also don't know if there was more left unsaid. If you don't know, you are not alone.
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Saturday, April 8, 2017
Walls
It has been an interesting week. At therapy this week I was told I haven't made as much progress as my therapist would have liked me to have made by now. First thoughts are disappointment in the situation, but more with myself. I have been trying. I feel like I'm in a situation where I'm trying to find the magical "drop all the walls" button, but I don't know where it is, or how to press it. I don't know how or what to do.
My walls, like letting people get close, letting them "in." I feel like every time a different situation happens, another wall is built. Now, according to my therapist, there are so many layers of walls and I have to pull them all down in order to make progress. My therapist doesn't think we should keep meeting - which in my mind and life comes across as another person thinking, "I'm not good enough and walking away."
Yes, it is hard to trust someone I only spend one hour with a week, and I see them in the same location. Yes, it is hard to talk about all the things I struggle with a "stranger." Yes, it is hard changing the way I've acted and reacted things for the last 22.5 years of my life.
What's also incredibly hard is trusting people and getting hurt by people you thought wouldn't hurt you. It's hard not trusting people who you should be able to trust. It's hard continuing to believe circumstances will improve and then nothing changes. It feels like my heart gets ripped out, crushed and beaten every time a person leaves, so why in my logical mind, would I want to do that again? From a person that feels hurt, damaged and like I have little to offer the world, yes, it is hard to have friends and let people in. I feel like they gain nothing from associating with me, other than my needs, problems and inadequacies.
It is hard to say how I'm actually feeling when people ask, "how are you?" Do I spare you the awkwardness if I say, "tired, bad, depressed, hopeless" and instead respond with, "good, great, or awesome?" I've learned if you say the latter, people respond, if you say the former it gets really quiet and people don't know what to say. That, and I work at a gas station so I'm supposed to be happy, right?
If I spare the world a "Samantha Belle Roan," then I can't hurt others, and I can't be hurt. If I don't put myself out there, yes, I am incredibly lonely, but I'm not hurting and wondering how I'll make it to tomorrow. I don't feel disappointed that I wasn't enough and that I didn't try enough, if another person who has said they'll stick around leaves. I won't have to worry about another person experiencing my depression or anxiety, and they won't have to help when I'm hung up on the same issue time after time. I won't continue to feel like I'm not good enough for my family so why would anyone else want me in their life?
Hurting, it sucks. No one talks about the struggle. This awful and slow struggle. There isn't a medicine to instantly fix it. There are more questions than answers, more memories remembered than desired to be made, more loneliness than love. In the past few weeks I can say I've tried to think of my good qualities, and although they may be specific in words and not broad adjectives, I can say, I am trying to find who I am. I am trying to think positively. I am trying to not press "shut down to basic human functioning" option. I am trying, and sometimes, that is the GREATEST accomplishment of all.
If you are trying, even if we're strangers, I'm so proud of you! I know it isn't easy. I know you might want to cry and give up. I want to cry and give up most days. From a person that doesn't give up easily on others, I give up easily on myself. I have faith in you to try, to keep trying. The internal battle to try and love or to shut out the world, it's real. You can do hard things, and this may seem like the hardest thing you've ever had to do and keep doing. Don't give up on you. If you need a few minutes, take it. Please, do not give up. You are not alone.
My walls, like letting people get close, letting them "in." I feel like every time a different situation happens, another wall is built. Now, according to my therapist, there are so many layers of walls and I have to pull them all down in order to make progress. My therapist doesn't think we should keep meeting - which in my mind and life comes across as another person thinking, "I'm not good enough and walking away."
Yes, it is hard to trust someone I only spend one hour with a week, and I see them in the same location. Yes, it is hard to talk about all the things I struggle with a "stranger." Yes, it is hard changing the way I've acted and reacted things for the last 22.5 years of my life.
What's also incredibly hard is trusting people and getting hurt by people you thought wouldn't hurt you. It's hard not trusting people who you should be able to trust. It's hard continuing to believe circumstances will improve and then nothing changes. It feels like my heart gets ripped out, crushed and beaten every time a person leaves, so why in my logical mind, would I want to do that again? From a person that feels hurt, damaged and like I have little to offer the world, yes, it is hard to have friends and let people in. I feel like they gain nothing from associating with me, other than my needs, problems and inadequacies.
It is hard to say how I'm actually feeling when people ask, "how are you?" Do I spare you the awkwardness if I say, "tired, bad, depressed, hopeless" and instead respond with, "good, great, or awesome?" I've learned if you say the latter, people respond, if you say the former it gets really quiet and people don't know what to say. That, and I work at a gas station so I'm supposed to be happy, right?
If I spare the world a "Samantha Belle Roan," then I can't hurt others, and I can't be hurt. If I don't put myself out there, yes, I am incredibly lonely, but I'm not hurting and wondering how I'll make it to tomorrow. I don't feel disappointed that I wasn't enough and that I didn't try enough, if another person who has said they'll stick around leaves. I won't have to worry about another person experiencing my depression or anxiety, and they won't have to help when I'm hung up on the same issue time after time. I won't continue to feel like I'm not good enough for my family so why would anyone else want me in their life?
Hurting, it sucks. No one talks about the struggle. This awful and slow struggle. There isn't a medicine to instantly fix it. There are more questions than answers, more memories remembered than desired to be made, more loneliness than love. In the past few weeks I can say I've tried to think of my good qualities, and although they may be specific in words and not broad adjectives, I can say, I am trying to find who I am. I am trying to think positively. I am trying to not press "shut down to basic human functioning" option. I am trying, and sometimes, that is the GREATEST accomplishment of all.
If you are trying, even if we're strangers, I'm so proud of you! I know it isn't easy. I know you might want to cry and give up. I want to cry and give up most days. From a person that doesn't give up easily on others, I give up easily on myself. I have faith in you to try, to keep trying. The internal battle to try and love or to shut out the world, it's real. You can do hard things, and this may seem like the hardest thing you've ever had to do and keep doing. Don't give up on you. If you need a few minutes, take it. Please, do not give up. You are not alone.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Six months
It's safe to say, meaning with 100% probability, that these next few weeks are going to be hard. This weekend is General Conference, when I listen to church leaders speak to the world. It happens every six months, which brings back memories of six months ago. Lots of things happened six months ago.
Six months ago I watched conference with him, we worked on his truck, test drove it up the canyon while we listened to conference, visited his dad. It brings back memories of, "how did you know that story?" And "if you were a fish where would you be?" My response, followed by a "that's my girl." It brings back those memories of being on the bridge and looking at the river, with his hands resting on the bridge on both sides of me, and him standing very close behind me.
Almost six months ago was also both of our birthdays, which included more truck fixing, drives and birthday celebrations. Working endlessly on my birthday, he told me he had barely made it home from work in his truck. I called my sister to come cover for me at work so I could take him to the auto part store. He ended up replacing my burned out head lights. He cried and said he wanted it to be perfect and maybe grab dinner and he forgot I had to work, but it wasn't going right, and he still hadn't been able to tie the "perfect" fly for me. My heart yearned to comfort him. What mattered to me was being together, not all the other stuff.
On his birthday, I wanted to celebrate the man that brought me happiness and joy and light. I tend to get excited and go overboard. I wanted him to feel loved and appreciated. I ordered this book with all the things I loved about him, doing with him, etc. I got some other things I thought he'd enjoy.
The biggest thing is, six months ago we were talking, everyday. Six months ago, I saw saw. Six months ago, there was happiness. Six months later, we aren't talking, and haven't talked. Six months later, we haven't seen each other. Six months later, everything reminds me of him. I still search for him in everything. I still hope he wants to talk to me, but he hasn't. He would always say, "if I care, I'll do something about it."
It is hard accepting the fact someone doesn't care about you. It is hard not having answers. It is hard moving on. I feel like moving on means giving up and I don't want anyone to feel given up on.
When someone or something is so integral to your memories, it's hard not to remember them, not to hurt, not to miss them. It's hard not to know if you meant anything to them. It's hard to feel. Right now, I'm on a netflix and chill by myself sort of stage. You can't get hurt if you don't interact with people.
Six months later, I'm struggling. I know it will be hard until things aren't associated with him. I am trying not to "recluse" myself. I'm trying to get out. I'm trying to not sink into this memory wormhole. But I've also decided, you have to take care of yourself. This week, was the first time probably a year when I ate a decent meal at once a day, which is HUGE progress for me. It might have also been my only meal, but it wasn't snack crackers and Gatorade. This week, I made a little progress in therapy. This week I also struggled, my debit card had fraudulent transactions, and work was a joke. This week, I had friends help and go out of their way to say hi when they knew I was/am struggling.
Hopefully a year or six months from now I'll have more answers. If you are struggling, you're not alone.
Six months ago I watched conference with him, we worked on his truck, test drove it up the canyon while we listened to conference, visited his dad. It brings back memories of, "how did you know that story?" And "if you were a fish where would you be?" My response, followed by a "that's my girl." It brings back those memories of being on the bridge and looking at the river, with his hands resting on the bridge on both sides of me, and him standing very close behind me.
Almost six months ago was also both of our birthdays, which included more truck fixing, drives and birthday celebrations. Working endlessly on my birthday, he told me he had barely made it home from work in his truck. I called my sister to come cover for me at work so I could take him to the auto part store. He ended up replacing my burned out head lights. He cried and said he wanted it to be perfect and maybe grab dinner and he forgot I had to work, but it wasn't going right, and he still hadn't been able to tie the "perfect" fly for me. My heart yearned to comfort him. What mattered to me was being together, not all the other stuff.
On his birthday, I wanted to celebrate the man that brought me happiness and joy and light. I tend to get excited and go overboard. I wanted him to feel loved and appreciated. I ordered this book with all the things I loved about him, doing with him, etc. I got some other things I thought he'd enjoy.
The biggest thing is, six months ago we were talking, everyday. Six months ago, I saw saw. Six months ago, there was happiness. Six months later, we aren't talking, and haven't talked. Six months later, we haven't seen each other. Six months later, everything reminds me of him. I still search for him in everything. I still hope he wants to talk to me, but he hasn't. He would always say, "if I care, I'll do something about it."
It is hard accepting the fact someone doesn't care about you. It is hard not having answers. It is hard moving on. I feel like moving on means giving up and I don't want anyone to feel given up on.
When someone or something is so integral to your memories, it's hard not to remember them, not to hurt, not to miss them. It's hard not to know if you meant anything to them. It's hard to feel. Right now, I'm on a netflix and chill by myself sort of stage. You can't get hurt if you don't interact with people.
Six months later, I'm struggling. I know it will be hard until things aren't associated with him. I am trying not to "recluse" myself. I'm trying to get out. I'm trying to not sink into this memory wormhole. But I've also decided, you have to take care of yourself. This week, was the first time probably a year when I ate a decent meal at once a day, which is HUGE progress for me. It might have also been my only meal, but it wasn't snack crackers and Gatorade. This week, I made a little progress in therapy. This week I also struggled, my debit card had fraudulent transactions, and work was a joke. This week, I had friends help and go out of their way to say hi when they knew I was/am struggling.
Hopefully a year or six months from now I'll have more answers. If you are struggling, you're not alone.
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Nostalgia
About 4 weeks before I turned 9, my uncle Craig suddenly passed away. There wasn't any warning. I always looked up to my "Uncle Corky." This year will be 14 years without him.
He was so giving. I think I wanted to be like him. I remember him teaching me how to make a low resonance by blowing air just right on an almost empty water bottle. He would always bring us mind teasers, and games and toys. Maybe my love of trucks came from his "old rusty." I miss him. I think I started growing out and donating my hair to locks of love because he did. My counseling appointments are right by house. I took a trip down memory lane today.
He was so giving. I think I wanted to be like him. I remember him teaching me how to make a low resonance by blowing air just right on an almost empty water bottle. He would always bring us mind teasers, and games and toys. Maybe my love of trucks came from his "old rusty." I miss him. I think I started growing out and donating my hair to locks of love because he did. My counseling appointments are right by house. I took a trip down memory lane today.
Today I was thinking on all the things he hasn't been here for. How much I wish I had more time with him. When I get down, and have bad thoughts, I think of my sweet nieces and nephews. I think of all the experiences they would want me at, the games they'd want me to play with them, running around the yard with them, fishing with them, laughing and cuddling with them. I think of the things I would deprive them of.
I don't agree with Miley Cyrus all that often, but she had a song that says, "I miss you, I miss your smile, and I still shed a tear every once in a while, even though it's different now, you're still here somehow, my heart won't let you go and I need you to know, I miss you.
Even when it doesn't feel like it, there is always someone that will miss you. Remember those people. They will help you in your weak moments. You are not alone.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
One Year
One year ago I started a new job working at a gas station near my house. I was trying to find me. I had taken the semester off of school, got in a car wreck, getting over a guy. I was feeling pretty great about life and thought, "why not work at a gas station?"
One year ago today, I met my best friend for the last year. I didn't know it at the time. I didn't know he loved bugs and rivers and mountains and everything I did. I didn't know I'd spend hours talking to him, texting him or calling him. I didn't know when we met he would help me through some really rough things like getting kicked out of my house and my sisters very short engagement. I didn't know I'd open up to him more than anyone else or that he would be my "go-to" person.
The last year has been a reminder that God is mindful of me. It has been the best and hardest year of my life. Today also marks 10 weeks since I have really spoken with him and my heart breaks, it shatters, again. When I thought about this before, I couldn't breathe and I honestly don't know how I've made it 10 weeks. A week of not talking for every month we did. We had talked everyday for months. We had seen each other for months. Now he's gone and this void seems to be there no matter what I do. Every day is hard, and I think about him and I'm reminded of him at least 300 times.
Today I watched the movie Charly, and it brought back the void, the pain, everything I've been struggling to deal with. I thought about the pills I picked up yesterday and thought about taking more than I should. Why? Because I hurt, I hurt SO much. I want to stop hurting, I want to be numb. I want to be fine and happy.
I think it's harder to not be able to talk to a living person than a dead person. I know he's alive and I can't talk to him. Even though I have other coworkers, it isn't the same, they aren't him. I don't know how long I will hurt. I don't know how much longer I can go out and try to forget about him, because I can't. I keep working 40, 50, 60 hours weeks to try and stay distracted and it doesn't work. I can't sleep and if I do, he shows up in my dreams.
There have been great milestones the last year. Completing 4 credit hours and not miserably failing, working 3 jobs at once and not dying, getting diagnosed and medicated, two awesome work families, getting a "second" mom and "adopted" sister that have helped me so much, visiting my family, adopting Sport, getting a truck, returning 4 found dogs. Lots of great things have happened this year. Here's to celebrating my work family.
One year ago today, I met my best friend for the last year. I didn't know it at the time. I didn't know he loved bugs and rivers and mountains and everything I did. I didn't know I'd spend hours talking to him, texting him or calling him. I didn't know when we met he would help me through some really rough things like getting kicked out of my house and my sisters very short engagement. I didn't know I'd open up to him more than anyone else or that he would be my "go-to" person.
The last year has been a reminder that God is mindful of me. It has been the best and hardest year of my life. Today also marks 10 weeks since I have really spoken with him and my heart breaks, it shatters, again. When I thought about this before, I couldn't breathe and I honestly don't know how I've made it 10 weeks. A week of not talking for every month we did. We had talked everyday for months. We had seen each other for months. Now he's gone and this void seems to be there no matter what I do. Every day is hard, and I think about him and I'm reminded of him at least 300 times.
Today I watched the movie Charly, and it brought back the void, the pain, everything I've been struggling to deal with. I thought about the pills I picked up yesterday and thought about taking more than I should. Why? Because I hurt, I hurt SO much. I want to stop hurting, I want to be numb. I want to be fine and happy.
I think it's harder to not be able to talk to a living person than a dead person. I know he's alive and I can't talk to him. Even though I have other coworkers, it isn't the same, they aren't him. I don't know how long I will hurt. I don't know how much longer I can go out and try to forget about him, because I can't. I keep working 40, 50, 60 hours weeks to try and stay distracted and it doesn't work. I can't sleep and if I do, he shows up in my dreams.
There have been great milestones the last year. Completing 4 credit hours and not miserably failing, working 3 jobs at once and not dying, getting diagnosed and medicated, two awesome work families, getting a "second" mom and "adopted" sister that have helped me so much, visiting my family, adopting Sport, getting a truck, returning 4 found dogs. Lots of great things have happened this year. Here's to celebrating my work family.
If you feel like you're about to go down the "rabbit hole," start a list of the good things that have happened for you, do something for someone else, go outside and breathe. You are not alone.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Vulnerability
You know that Disney song from Mulan where she talks about not being the perfect bride or daughter, how she feels like maybe she's not made for this. She talks about who is this girl she sees standing there, staring back at herself and wondering when will her reflection show who she is inside.
That's how I've been feeling recently. Who am I? Am I the person I see in the mirror? Am I showing my true colors?
This is probably the main thing my therapist has been focusing on. He says how I view myself is important. Let's just say, he wasn't too thrilled when I came in for my appointment today and hadn't done the assignment of listing good qualities or characteristics about myself. I was rehung up on "well, what if it isn't true" or "what if that's who I want to be, but I'm not" or my go tos, "I'm just a disappointment, I don't do anything right, etc."
Well he gave me the choice and said if I don't change, my relationships will keep sucking and I'll keep pushing people away, or I can get rid of all my defenses and become vulnerable and have the possibility for a successful relationship. But either way will be hard and I will probably get hurt in the future too.
I DON'T like feeling vulnerable at all. I firmly believed if you protected yourself you couldn't get hurt - but I've been wrong about that. I also believed if you're harder on yourself it doesn't hurt as much when others criticize you - but then it becomes this monster in your head.
As much as I'm honestly scared I'll be disappointed when I look in the mirror and see "me," I want to be confident in me and who I am.
I am trying to be vulnerable. I've been fighting against this idea for a long time. So if you're struggling with this, remember you're not alone.
That's how I've been feeling recently. Who am I? Am I the person I see in the mirror? Am I showing my true colors?
This is probably the main thing my therapist has been focusing on. He says how I view myself is important. Let's just say, he wasn't too thrilled when I came in for my appointment today and hadn't done the assignment of listing good qualities or characteristics about myself. I was rehung up on "well, what if it isn't true" or "what if that's who I want to be, but I'm not" or my go tos, "I'm just a disappointment, I don't do anything right, etc."
Well he gave me the choice and said if I don't change, my relationships will keep sucking and I'll keep pushing people away, or I can get rid of all my defenses and become vulnerable and have the possibility for a successful relationship. But either way will be hard and I will probably get hurt in the future too.
I DON'T like feeling vulnerable at all. I firmly believed if you protected yourself you couldn't get hurt - but I've been wrong about that. I also believed if you're harder on yourself it doesn't hurt as much when others criticize you - but then it becomes this monster in your head.
As much as I'm honestly scared I'll be disappointed when I look in the mirror and see "me," I want to be confident in me and who I am.
I am trying to be vulnerable. I've been fighting against this idea for a long time. So if you're struggling with this, remember you're not alone.
Monday, March 20, 2017
I get by with a lot of help from my Friends
I have some amazing people in my life. I know I've mentioned struggling with the loss of friendship recently, and it is hard, but I have been blessed with other people in my life as well. Co-workers, friends, family of friends, classmates, church friends, family, and labmates.
There have been many nights without sleep, lots of days without peace. There have been phonecalls, texts and conversations of encouragement, counsel, and comfort. Reassurance when I doubt myself. I feel blessed by the support I have in my life. I know I'm not the easiest to be around, but the last 20 months have brought some INCREDIBLE people into my life.
Although I went to the cabin, I did have a internal battle as well. I was able to talk to a friend and I felt like I struggled through last semester, like crawling to the finish line. I was inspired by this friend who was going to school full time and rocking at class. I am inspired by lots of my classmates and friends. During this internal struggle and conversation with my friend, she said she was inspired by me last semester. I felt like my jaw dropped, I didn't feel inspiring.
Family isn't always those who are your blood. I've learned that the hard way. Who is in your family? Who supports you? Who believes in you? Who can you turn to for strength when you struggle? It may not always seem like a ton of people, but I promise that there are people that love you.
You aren't alone.
Thank you to everyone in my life.
There have been many nights without sleep, lots of days without peace. There have been phonecalls, texts and conversations of encouragement, counsel, and comfort. Reassurance when I doubt myself. I feel blessed by the support I have in my life. I know I'm not the easiest to be around, but the last 20 months have brought some INCREDIBLE people into my life.
Although I went to the cabin, I did have a internal battle as well. I was able to talk to a friend and I felt like I struggled through last semester, like crawling to the finish line. I was inspired by this friend who was going to school full time and rocking at class. I am inspired by lots of my classmates and friends. During this internal struggle and conversation with my friend, she said she was inspired by me last semester. I felt like my jaw dropped, I didn't feel inspiring.
Family isn't always those who are your blood. I've learned that the hard way. Who is in your family? Who supports you? Who believes in you? Who can you turn to for strength when you struggle? It may not always seem like a ton of people, but I promise that there are people that love you.
You aren't alone.
Thank you to everyone in my life.
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