Trigger

The last few weeks have been very rough. I find I have been triggered into the past often.  It's been hard not to get stuck and depressed on experiences. It's been hard not to feel my extreme lack of self-confidence in myself. It's hard when people say, "get up and go out" when I'm and introvert and depressed. I don't want to let people in. People have gone from my life, and it sucks and it hurts more than I can try to say, but it's reality and it's my everyday life. I like this quote:

 

My scars are evidence that I am living and trying. While I feel weak and vulnerable most of the time, my scars are proof that I am fighting, that I haven't given up yet. It is true, my scars have been with me longer than most people physically and emotionally, that have been in my life. 

Another thing is the trauma. Me new therapist, who has been great, said that there are ways to work through the "triggers," the things that happen around me and I automatically associate and respond to (or start freaking out because of.) I wish I didn't go down this worm hole so often, it's a lonely place. It makes me feel worthless.  

A theme on my mind recently has been "why did this happen?"  I finally worked up the courage to ask my mother why she let me father hit me. She said because he did it with his older kids and he wouldn't have listened. It's kind of heartbreaking that my mother didn't even try to protect or defend me.  Out of all the times it happened, she could hear and she didn't try. When I asked her about it, it seemed like she had never even considered it a possibility to protect me, or stand between me and him. Not just physically but verbally too, she just a lets it happen. She said if she would get involved it would escalate the situation. In my mind, if the situation escalated, I would have known my mother had faith in me and my character and she was trying to defend and protect me, instead of feeling like I was on my own, like I was isolated. 

It's hard. These feelings are awful. The hurt, it hurts. There isn't a bandaid I can stick on there and call it good. It's like every time something's happens, this huge physical, mental and emotional wound on reopened again. There was a campaign somewhere and the projected this image:

 

People then had the opportunity to cast a shadow onto the scene. Not once, did a person stand in on me. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, but it is my experience. I love how people stepped in:

 

 There are many things that remind me of things I've been told, feelings I want to forget. The lack of respect and trust for a person o should naturally feel those things for. The feelings of being scared is just another day in the life of me, along with locking myself in my room to have some "safe" place.

 
I know this, my dear sweet boy chooses me. I have found someone that chooses me after 22 and a half years. He loves me. He cuddles me. He misses me. I am glad I chose him. 

 

Dogs are loyal and have pure hearts. They love like nothing else. If you need some lovin, find a pup. Remember, you aren't alone.