Unconditional

I've been working on this post since May. Things have been crazy and hard. I have felt in the "recluse" mode. I don't feel like being very social. When I get depressed and when life gets harder - my self worth tends to waver. I have spent over 20 hours in the last three weeks trying to get into a neurologist. I've been working more than usual at my 4 jobs the last few weeks which leaves me absolutely exhausted. My dog needs to lose weights. Having more family problems. I still feel this post relates to how I've felt when I go into "isolation." 

 

I love the beauty that I get to see at work. It has helped me remember that not everything will be fixed immediately, but life can't still be beautiful. 

This last week I've been thinking about love and friends. I feel like I can group them into two groups; people that feel like they can change me and people who love me. 

I already know I'm broken, I don't need people to tell me they will magically solve my life. I feel like they want to be more in my life to "fix" more of my life. In hindsight, I tend to have a "fix it" personality. So I see how that could have come across differently in relationships of mine in the past. So I would like to apologize to anyone reading this that I have made feel that way. 

On the other hand, there have been people who have just loved me. They don't tell me they are my "Mr. Clean Magic life Eraser." They simply love me. They give me support and encouragement. They give me advice and counsel when I ask, they listen when I speak. They have been constant. They pray for me time and time again when I feel weak. I don't feel judged. I feel I can be "me." They don't just want the perfect, happy Sam, they are fine with the sad, depressed, anxious, scatter brained Sam that is happening more often than not.