Six months ago I watched conference with him, we worked on his truck, test drove it up the canyon while we listened to conference, visited his dad. It brings back memories of, "how did you know that story?" And "if you were a fish where would you be?" My response, followed by a "that's my girl." It brings back those memories of being on the bridge and looking at the river, with his hands resting on the bridge on both sides of me, and him standing very close behind me.
Almost six months ago was also both of our birthdays, which included more truck fixing, drives and birthday celebrations. Working endlessly on my birthday, he told me he had barely made it home from work in his truck. I called my sister to come cover for me at work so I could take him to the auto part store. He ended up replacing my burned out head lights. He cried and said he wanted it to be perfect and maybe grab dinner and he forgot I had to work, but it wasn't going right, and he still hadn't been able to tie the "perfect" fly for me. My heart yearned to comfort him. What mattered to me was being together, not all the other stuff.
On his birthday, I wanted to celebrate the man that brought me happiness and joy and light. I tend to get excited and go overboard. I wanted him to feel loved and appreciated. I ordered this book with all the things I loved about him, doing with him, etc. I got some other things I thought he'd enjoy.
The biggest thing is, six months ago we were talking, everyday. Six months ago, I saw saw. Six months ago, there was happiness. Six months later, we aren't talking, and haven't talked. Six months later, we haven't seen each other. Six months later, everything reminds me of him. I still search for him in everything. I still hope he wants to talk to me, but he hasn't. He would always say, "if I care, I'll do something about it."
It is hard accepting the fact someone doesn't care about you. It is hard not having answers. It is hard moving on. I feel like moving on means giving up and I don't want anyone to feel given up on.
When someone or something is so integral to your memories, it's hard not to remember them, not to hurt, not to miss them. It's hard not to know if you meant anything to them. It's hard to feel. Right now, I'm on a netflix and chill by myself sort of stage. You can't get hurt if you don't interact with people.
Six months later, I'm struggling. I know it will be hard until things aren't associated with him. I am trying not to "recluse" myself. I'm trying to get out. I'm trying to not sink into this memory wormhole. But I've also decided, you have to take care of yourself. This week, was the first time probably a year when I ate a decent meal at once a day, which is HUGE progress for me. It might have also been my only meal, but it wasn't snack crackers and Gatorade. This week, I made a little progress in therapy. This week I also struggled, my debit card had fraudulent transactions, and work was a joke. This week, I had friends help and go out of their way to say hi when they knew I was/am struggling.
Hopefully a year or six months from now I'll have more answers. If you are struggling, you're not alone.
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