Scared to ask

Last year I was in a relationship that opened my eyes to qualities I did and didn't want in future relationships with anyone.  I started to pray, I mean really pray, about this stuff.

I wanted someone who would love me for me, who I could be me with. Someone who was patient with me, supports me, and encourages me. Someone who laughs with me. Someone who can deal with my family. Someone who will be there for me. Someone who is good at giving hugs. Someone I would feel comfortable with, and who would laugh at my terrible attempts at puns. Someone who loves their family. Someone who could help me see other perspectives in situations and who I would actually listen to. Someone who had similar values like honesty, loyalty, and integrity. Someone who had similar interests.

Everyday for months I prayed and suddenly I started to feel like "this person" was right in front of me. We became amazing friends. For months I felt like this person was an answer to my prayers. I don't think anyone could have been more perfect. I felt like it had been God who helped me meet this person.

I question: Why didn't it last? Was it because I stopped praying for those things? Did I make too many mistakes? Did I ruin it? Was it really an answer to prayers or was it all in my head?

Now, I am scared to pray. I'm scared to ask for those things again. I had it and then I lost it, and it hurts so much. It is so incredibly hard to have the thing you wish for the most, and to experience it, and then to have it gone, ended, over. I have never felt more "me" than I did during that friendship.

I'm scared to be that happy again. I'm scared to trust again. I'm scared to put myself out there again. I'm scared this could go so right, then end, and we'll be strangers again and I'll struggle again to put my life back  and not be and to talk to that person everyday. I'm scared because I know no matter how much I'll hurt, I'll still care about that person and think about that person and want to know they're happy.  I'm scared to keep loving and losing.

Life is about trying again, or so I'm told. If you've ever felt this way, you're not alone.