One Year

One year ago I started a new job working at a gas station near my house. I was trying to find me. I had taken the semester off of school, got in a car wreck, getting over a guy. I was feeling pretty great about life and thought, "why not work at a gas station?"

One year ago today, I met my best friend for the last year. I didn't know it at the time. I didn't know he loved bugs and rivers and mountains and everything I did. I didn't know I'd spend hours talking to him, texting him or calling him. I didn't know when we met he would help me through some really rough things like getting kicked out of my house and my sisters very short engagement. I didn't know I'd open up to him more than anyone else or that he would be my "go-to" person.

The last year has been a reminder that God is mindful of me. It has been the best and hardest year of my life. Today also marks 10 weeks since I have really spoken with him and my heart breaks, it shatters, again.  When I thought about this before, I couldn't breathe and I honestly don't know how I've made it 10 weeks. A week of not talking for every month we did. We had talked everyday for months. We had seen each other for months. Now he's gone and this void seems to be there no matter what I do. Every day is hard, and I think about him and I'm reminded of him at least 300 times.

Today I watched the movie Charly, and it brought back the void, the pain, everything I've been struggling to deal with. I thought about the pills I picked up yesterday and thought about taking more than I should. Why? Because I hurt, I hurt SO much. I want to stop hurting, I want to be numb. I want to be fine and happy.

I think it's harder to not be able to talk to a living person than a dead person. I know he's alive and I can't talk to him. Even though I have other coworkers, it isn't the same, they aren't him. I don't know how long I will hurt. I don't know how much longer I can go out and try to forget about him, because I can't. I keep working 40, 50, 60 hours weeks to try and stay distracted and it doesn't work. I can't sleep and if I do, he shows up in my dreams.

There have been great milestones the last year. Completing 4 credit hours and not miserably failing, working 3 jobs at once and not dying, getting diagnosed and medicated, two awesome work families, getting a "second" mom and "adopted" sister that have helped me so much, visiting my family, adopting Sport, getting a truck, returning 4 found dogs. Lots of great things have happened this year. Here's to celebrating my work family.

If you feel like you're about to go down the "rabbit hole," start a list of the good things that have happened for you, do something for  someone else, go outside and breathe. You are not alone.