Unconditional

I've been working on this post since May. Things have been crazy and hard. I have felt in the "recluse" mode. I don't feel like being very social. When I get depressed and when life gets harder - my self worth tends to waver. I have spent over 20 hours in the last three weeks trying to get into a neurologist. I've been working more than usual at my 4 jobs the last few weeks which leaves me absolutely exhausted. My dog needs to lose weights. Having more family problems. I still feel this post relates to how I've felt when I go into "isolation." 

 

I love the beauty that I get to see at work. It has helped me remember that not everything will be fixed immediately, but life can't still be beautiful. 

This last week I've been thinking about love and friends. I feel like I can group them into two groups; people that feel like they can change me and people who love me. 

I already know I'm broken, I don't need people to tell me they will magically solve my life. I feel like they want to be more in my life to "fix" more of my life. In hindsight, I tend to have a "fix it" personality. So I see how that could have come across differently in relationships of mine in the past. So I would like to apologize to anyone reading this that I have made feel that way. 

On the other hand, there have been people who have just loved me. They don't tell me they are my "Mr. Clean Magic life Eraser." They simply love me. They give me support and encouragement. They give me advice and counsel when I ask, they listen when I speak. They have been constant. They pray for me time and time again when I feel weak. I don't feel judged. I feel I can be "me." They don't just want the perfect, happy Sam, they are fine with the sad, depressed, anxious, scatter brained Sam that is happening more often than not. 

Changes

This week has been good, really really good. I started off Monday moving out of my parents house. It has been like a breath of fresh air and I feel like I can breathe. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted. I don't feel like I have to hide in my room, eat by myself, be selfconscious about EVERYTHING. My anxiety has significantly gone down this week. I still question "am I being a bother or a burden?" But it isn't a constant thing on my mind.  I feel supported and I feel like I am part of something. 

The hard thing about this week has been moving stuff, working 5 jobs on top of each other. I don't know how the 5 jobs things even worked out. I finished my last week at UPS this week and I don't know what to do now that I'm not killing myself with physical labor all day, everyday. It feels relieving, I don't think I could have continued much longer. People ask me why I quit and I say, I've been doing 75-80 hours a week of stuff since September and I'm tired and burned out. One of the biggest blessings though is my recent job, where I don't have to do continuous hard labor, 6 hours a day. 

Because of this, I'm hoping to go back to school. I have hope for that. I don't feel like I'll fail. Another part of moving was feeling like I can't improve mentally, emotionally or physically if I'm not changing the unhealthy environment I'm in. I am so grateful that I have a place to live with my dog. He loves to be outside.  Also from this change in environment I have been able to sleep. My insomnia hasn't been as bad - which was really really helpful working so many hours this week. 

 

My anxiety and my depression isn't fixed. These changes have been hard. I don't want to leave my friends I've made at work. I don't want to have to cut certain life ties, but I needed to for me. I don't think it's a selfish choice, if you're sacrificing yourself constantly for others and it's really hurting you by doing that. I'm not going to lie and say everything has worked out great, because it hasn't. Others have reacted negatively to my choices and their nonsupport becomes more evident.  That hurts, but I have to remember it is their choice. 

I can't remember when the last time I could "take 5" or "relax" was. So to have time to breathe and think is weird, and awkward. Maybe I subconsciously make simple things more difficult, I don't know. 

I know I'm not the only one with challenges in my life. For the first time in a long time, I feel I am moving forward more than backward.  I don't feel like life swallowed me whole this week. From the 9 hours at the gas station, 30+ hours at UPS, 12 hours at pool 2, 7 hours at pool 1, 4 days at the horse barn (maybe another 12+ hours).  

 

 

It is hard leaving friends and having a great coworker move. It is hard changing jobs. Change is HARD, and that's okay. It's ok to feel uneasy about change, it's okay to be nervous and not have all the answers. Change takes faith.  But it can be worth it. There are still struggles I am facing. Things are temporary, which is also hard - I'm a person that likes things sure, steady and have answers. I'm trying to find the new temporary. 

If you struggle with change, with family, friends, new jobs, old jobs, anything, please remember you are not alone. 

Raging tempest

These last few weeks have continued to be rough. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting like hell just to make it through five minutes, an hour and the day. When I feel like I've accepted the new challenges that continuously seem to be falling from the sky in my life, the heavens open again and more challenges are poured out. 

I spoke to my very wise mission president this week. He is a very inspiring man. In the past he has said, reach out of you need anything. Reaching out is hard for me because I don't want to inconvenience people. This week I did. I asked for help and my anxiety spiked. My mission President is his kind and generous way spent and over and hour on the phone with me throughout the week. He listened patiently and responded with advice. One thing he taught as a mission president was seek for understanding. While talking, he offered perspectives I hadn't previously thought about. He also defended in his humble way, the people in my life I have been struggling with. He gave me some analogies that helped me see my focus and the shifted focus I want to have. If you have a habit of running from situations like I do, I'll offer his advice to you, run toward something instead of from something. Instead of fear and avoidance move toward something you want and desire, with good feelings not bad. 

Since that conversations more things have seemed to be poured out. I almost lost it yesterday, mentally, emotionally and physically. I was faced with a situation sooner than I had thought and it had been on my mind constantly the past few weeks. Let me tell you, forgetting to take anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication doesn't help prevent a panic attack unless you actually take it.  So I went from thinking "I'll be fine tonight" to this situation happening, to being a mess of tears within about 2 minutes. My understanding coworker, let me go home and get my medication. Good thing too, I was struggling really badly, I couldn't stop crying, on the verge of hyperventilating and considering trying cigarettes and alcohol after work.

In those moments when I feel lower than low, when I thought things couldn't get harder and they did, I turned to my close friends and my mission president and his amazing, inspirational and hilarious wife. I believe that prayers are answered. Sometimes I believe that others prayers are answered when I lack the faith. I know their faith has a direct line to heaven. With the reassurance, to call if I think about doing something stupid and that they'll answer. 

I went to the temple this week for the first time in a while, and it was good. I had two strong impressions while I was there. The first was the lyrics to Master the Tempest is Raging  and specifically the lyrics "peace, be still." The other was when I opened the scriptures in the Doctorine and Covenants 50:5 "But blessed are they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for they shall inherit eternal life" and I thought, how much do I have to endure? And the chapter continues to talk about callings, the Spirit, and whoever is weak among them shall hereafter be made strong. Sometimes I feel very weak. Recently when something else is added to my plate I feel I just about fall over and I don't know if I can stand back up. 

Man, I wish I had answers. But I don't. I wish I could see the "blue skies" ahead, but I don't. What I do know is it is hard to get out of bed, get dressed, go to work, shower, attend church, talk with people, do my laundry, play with my dog. Every time I do one of those things, I feel proud of myself. They may seem like simple things, but most days they look like cliffs. These are the basic things that take a mountain of energy and forced thought to achieve. 

 

 I don't know what Peter felt when the storm was raging and Christ asked him to come unto him or how he felt when the tempest was raging and Christ was asleep on the boat. But I do know what it feels like to doubt and to start sinking. And sometimes I feel like I sink below the surface.  I don't know when all this will be "sunshine and daisies and bright and colorful."

 

Some days I feel like giving up, and I don't know what keeps me moving forward. I don't know why I want to keep going some days.  Maybe it's trying to find the peace. 

Factory Reset

First of all, I want to say thank you for the support and outreach since I've started this blog and since my last post. Things aren't magically better because of it. 

I had a good conversation with my sister and we discussed a few things. The first thing that she expressed was sympathy for going through the same thing. For me, that helps me feel like I'm not crazy. It's not an invalidation, which I have felt in my life. It was a similar situation, with similar people. 

 

The another thing we discussed was faith. We talked about how sometimes God's greatest blessings are unanswered prayers (Garth Brooks song). It is hard to not get answered prayers or prayers answered in the way I want. My sister shared a personal story, and I was grateful for that. She shared that you don't have to compromise who you are for what you think you want now. Now, she has what she truly wanted and she didn't have to sacrifice those things she was willing to. Ironically enough, the first time I heard that song was when I was cleaning stalls three days prior. 

She also shared when she feels alone she thinks about the song "Angels among us" (by Alabama). It says, " I believe there are angels among us, Sent down to us from somewhere up above, they come to you and me in our darkest hours, to show us how to live, to teach us how to give, to guide us with light and love." This song has been a favorite of mine for years. Even when I feel alone, I am not alone. 

She also went on and said that before this all happened, I had these qualities and I need to remember that, who I am. I need to remember my Spirit and the qualities and characteristics I came with. She told me I had this huge love for life and I could walk in a room and 10 minutes later I would be friends with everyone and they would all love me. She also said I had this faith that big things could happen from small things. There were times on my mission where I definitely felt this quality. She said she was inspiried by me. I was this energy filled, skinny, blonde sister, 17 years younger than her. In some ways, the age difference has been weird. In recent years, I have come to realize how big of a blessing it is. It was helpful to hear those things. I have been struggling with things about who I truly am versus who I want to be or who I think I am. It has also been interesting in the last few weeks the number of conversations I have had about my personal characteristics and qualities.

Another thing I have heard in the last few weeks is I am spunky. While going through depression and anxiety, I feel bland, dull and boring, majority of the time. So to hear that that isn't the case, brings me a bit of energy and a bit of hope that I'm not the way I am when I am depressed and anxious. 

Sometimes I wish I could press a "factory reset" button, to be able to have that person my sister described and reminded me of on the phone. Sometimes I wish I could forget the challenges and the hurt and the load which I feel I'm carrying and be that person. That wouldn't be helpful to me in anyway though. I wouldn't learn anything. These struggles seem overwhelming majority of the time and to be honest, most of the time I don't know how I'm standing up. I have never been able to work this many hours and not be an awful person. I haven't been able to have this much longevity. I don't know how I've been occupied 70+ hours a week since September. I'm amazed that I haven't failed more. I want to remember that person my sister described. I want to be able to say with confidence, I know this is who I am, and these are my qualities instead of recognizing my faults and weaknesses often. 

I also want to say an immense thank you for all the strong, amazing, inspiring women (and men) in my life. I am truly grateful for them. I am grateful for the friendship, support, encouragement, counsel, guidance and love they bring to my life. I am grateful for their examples and their faith. I have leaned on them and looked to them for help in the last while and I don't think I could have made it without them - of that I am absolutely positive. My sister said yesterday there will be people put in my life to help me and I believe that 1 million percent. I has helped so much. 

Please reach out to those you know, I don't think you'll know the impact it means in the darkness of someone's life. 

Trigger

The last few weeks have been very rough. I find I have been triggered into the past often.  It's been hard not to get stuck and depressed on experiences. It's been hard not to feel my extreme lack of self-confidence in myself. It's hard when people say, "get up and go out" when I'm and introvert and depressed. I don't want to let people in. People have gone from my life, and it sucks and it hurts more than I can try to say, but it's reality and it's my everyday life. I like this quote:

 

My scars are evidence that I am living and trying. While I feel weak and vulnerable most of the time, my scars are proof that I am fighting, that I haven't given up yet. It is true, my scars have been with me longer than most people physically and emotionally, that have been in my life. 

Another thing is the trauma. Me new therapist, who has been great, said that there are ways to work through the "triggers," the things that happen around me and I automatically associate and respond to (or start freaking out because of.) I wish I didn't go down this worm hole so often, it's a lonely place. It makes me feel worthless.  

A theme on my mind recently has been "why did this happen?"  I finally worked up the courage to ask my mother why she let me father hit me. She said because he did it with his older kids and he wouldn't have listened. It's kind of heartbreaking that my mother didn't even try to protect or defend me.  Out of all the times it happened, she could hear and she didn't try. When I asked her about it, it seemed like she had never even considered it a possibility to protect me, or stand between me and him. Not just physically but verbally too, she just a lets it happen. She said if she would get involved it would escalate the situation. In my mind, if the situation escalated, I would have known my mother had faith in me and my character and she was trying to defend and protect me, instead of feeling like I was on my own, like I was isolated. 

It's hard. These feelings are awful. The hurt, it hurts. There isn't a bandaid I can stick on there and call it good. It's like every time something's happens, this huge physical, mental and emotional wound on reopened again. There was a campaign somewhere and the projected this image:

 

People then had the opportunity to cast a shadow onto the scene. Not once, did a person stand in on me. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, but it is my experience. I love how people stepped in:

 

 There are many things that remind me of things I've been told, feelings I want to forget. The lack of respect and trust for a person o should naturally feel those things for. The feelings of being scared is just another day in the life of me, along with locking myself in my room to have some "safe" place.

 
I know this, my dear sweet boy chooses me. I have found someone that chooses me after 22 and a half years. He loves me. He cuddles me. He misses me. I am glad I chose him. 

 

Dogs are loyal and have pure hearts. They love like nothing else. If you need some lovin, find a pup. Remember, you aren't alone. 

Goodbyes

Today, and this week have been strange. I've been having really bad head pain all week. I got a sunburn. My therapist wants to do trauma therapy, which I'm excited for, that means my triggers will hopefully be reduced. Today I also got to plunge a really really gross toilet. On my way home I was going to stop by a store to get some food for tomorrow. On my way, I saw something laying in the road. 

Raccoons are common, so are deer. This didn't have a stripped tail, like a raccoon and it wasn't a dog. I saw a gray cat. I was near the barn and I thought, "please don't be one of the cats." I pulled in the parking lot, ran into the store and said I'll be back in a minute, and I was going to check on something. I go out and run to the road, I don't want anyone to run over this cat. 

 

I get up to the road and I go and look at the cat, and it looks like one of the boys from the barn. It's black outside, 11:40 pm. I had my phone flashlight on, cars start coming so I stand in the road while deciding what to do, and shine the light on the cat, so they don't hit him. I pick him up, he's warm and limp. My heart just breaks. I am nervous making the call to my boss. It's almost midnight, not exactly social hour. She tells me to put the cat at the vet office across the street.

I take him inside the store (sorry, not sorry other boss) and I just held him. I take a picture and send it to confirm it is the cat. It looks like him. I can't bring myself to put him in the bag my friend brought. It doesn't seem right. I don't want this cute boy to die "alone." He lived a good life. He was a barn cat. I just held him. I couldn't put him down. 

 

Goodbyes have always been a weak spot of mine. I wanted to cry, and I did shed some tears. I can't believe I won't see this troublemaker at the barn. His brothers and sisters won't know what happened, along with all the other barn cats. 

When did a simple trip for Gatorade turn into a cat recovery? Not that I mind. I don't like the posts online for missing animals and the ache when they aren't found. I'm sad I had to make the call, I'm sad I couldn't have done more. I didn't want him to have bugs or raccoons get to him before the vet can get his body. I want him to be disposed of honorably. I held him for an hour, I placed him in a box, he rode in the cab while we drove to the vet, I placed him in a bag and another box, and set him by the door. I also talked to him and asked why he had wandered to the road. I told him I missed him. I don't regret a thing. My heart bleeds for him.

 

It seems like goodbyes are in abundance in my life recently and it is really really hard. I get depressed more than usual and more anxious for all the changes. I am nervous I won't make it through the future. 

Lots of time, I would rather put up with the brutal reality than change something, but after a bunch of months I am burned out. My body feels like it is slowly dying. With all the other "unexpected blows" of life, some days I don't know how much more I can take. I am trying to build a positive future and trying to make good decisions. Sometimes I feel like the cat, I feel like I got hit by a car, I feel alone, I want someone to protect me, hold me and not let go. I'm heartbroken for this dear boy, and his silly antics. 

I didn't even notice (or care at all) I had his blood on me until I put him in the box. Washing it off, while bacterial cleansing, helped me hope I wouldn't forget him as easily as the blood came off my skin. I don't want to just "brush him off." One of my biggest fears is being forgotten. I wanted him to feel loved and not forgotten. I wanted him to feel noble. If you've felt this way, you aren't alone. 

Overloaded

I don't know about you, but my brain gets overloaded. The past two weeks have been really difficult.  There has been some (or a lot of) family things happening. There has also been work, and lots more work. I haven't known what to feel or how to even deal with it all.
My dog is so good to me. My boss told me about a friend of his that recently died in his sleep and his dog kept running from his bed to his parents and when his parents found his cold body, one of his legs was kept warm from his dog laying on him. His dog kept searching for him in the days after his death. Some moments when life gets hard, I think of that. I think of Sport looking for me, like he waits for me at the door, and it keeps me going.

People wonder if I can leave him, the answer is no, no, definitely not. Sport keeps me going. I'm not going to move forward without him. He might make life a little more challenging, but he keeps my life going.  He keeps inspiring me to be better. He is a constant source of pure love in my life and I need that.
I know the future holds changes and I'm scared. I am nervous and anxious about change in my life. Over the past two weeks there have also been intimate conversations that have touched me and help me remember that I am not alone. Life has it's lonely moments when it feels like absolutely everything is falling apart, again, everything seems to be crumbling to the ground and life seems to have no point or structure. The depression and anxiety hit in tidal waves that knock me over and make me not want to move or reach out, I want to hide. I don't want people to see me weak and struggling, still. I don't want to be vulnerable. I stay and hide in my room from the world and from everything, trying to find a moment of peace. I push through the tired, and the stupid comments of a supervisor. I try to help others even when I feel like I have absolutely nothing to give and my energy is beyond gone. I try to survive. These things are real and they are really hard. So remember, you aren't alone. Find what keeps you going and don't let it go.