I spoke to my very wise mission president this week. He is a very inspiring man. In the past he has said, reach out of you need anything. Reaching out is hard for me because I don't want to inconvenience people. This week I did. I asked for help and my anxiety spiked. My mission President is his kind and generous way spent and over and hour on the phone with me throughout the week. He listened patiently and responded with advice. One thing he taught as a mission president was seek for understanding. While talking, he offered perspectives I hadn't previously thought about. He also defended in his humble way, the people in my life I have been struggling with. He gave me some analogies that helped me see my focus and the shifted focus I want to have. If you have a habit of running from situations like I do, I'll offer his advice to you, run toward something instead of from something. Instead of fear and avoidance move toward something you want and desire, with good feelings not bad.
Since that conversations more things have seemed to be poured out. I almost lost it yesterday, mentally, emotionally and physically. I was faced with a situation sooner than I had thought and it had been on my mind constantly the past few weeks. Let me tell you, forgetting to take anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication doesn't help prevent a panic attack unless you actually take it. So I went from thinking "I'll be fine tonight" to this situation happening, to being a mess of tears within about 2 minutes. My understanding coworker, let me go home and get my medication. Good thing too, I was struggling really badly, I couldn't stop crying, on the verge of hyperventilating and considering trying cigarettes and alcohol after work.
In those moments when I feel lower than low, when I thought things couldn't get harder and they did, I turned to my close friends and my mission president and his amazing, inspirational and hilarious wife. I believe that prayers are answered. Sometimes I believe that others prayers are answered when I lack the faith. I know their faith has a direct line to heaven. With the reassurance, to call if I think about doing something stupid and that they'll answer.
I went to the temple this week for the first time in a while, and it was good. I had two strong impressions while I was there. The first was the lyrics to Master the Tempest is Raging and specifically the lyrics "peace, be still." The other was when I opened the scriptures in the Doctorine and Covenants 50:5 "But blessed are they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for they shall inherit eternal life" and I thought, how much do I have to endure? And the chapter continues to talk about callings, the Spirit, and whoever is weak among them shall hereafter be made strong. Sometimes I feel very weak. Recently when something else is added to my plate I feel I just about fall over and I don't know if I can stand back up.
Man, I wish I had answers. But I don't. I wish I could see the "blue skies" ahead, but I don't. What I do know is it is hard to get out of bed, get dressed, go to work, shower, attend church, talk with people, do my laundry, play with my dog. Every time I do one of those things, I feel proud of myself. They may seem like simple things, but most days they look like cliffs. These are the basic things that take a mountain of energy and forced thought to achieve.
I don't know what Peter felt when the storm was raging and Christ asked him to come unto him or how he felt when the tempest was raging and Christ was asleep on the boat. But I do know what it feels like to doubt and to start sinking. And sometimes I feel like I sink below the surface. I don't know when all this will be "sunshine and daisies and bright and colorful."
Some days I feel like giving up, and I don't know what keeps me moving forward. I don't know why I want to keep going some days. Maybe it's trying to find the peace.
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