Overloaded

I don't know about you, but my brain gets overloaded. The past two weeks have been really difficult.  There has been some (or a lot of) family things happening. There has also been work, and lots more work. I haven't known what to feel or how to even deal with it all.
My dog is so good to me. My boss told me about a friend of his that recently died in his sleep and his dog kept running from his bed to his parents and when his parents found his cold body, one of his legs was kept warm from his dog laying on him. His dog kept searching for him in the days after his death. Some moments when life gets hard, I think of that. I think of Sport looking for me, like he waits for me at the door, and it keeps me going.

People wonder if I can leave him, the answer is no, no, definitely not. Sport keeps me going. I'm not going to move forward without him. He might make life a little more challenging, but he keeps my life going.  He keeps inspiring me to be better. He is a constant source of pure love in my life and I need that.
I know the future holds changes and I'm scared. I am nervous and anxious about change in my life. Over the past two weeks there have also been intimate conversations that have touched me and help me remember that I am not alone. Life has it's lonely moments when it feels like absolutely everything is falling apart, again, everything seems to be crumbling to the ground and life seems to have no point or structure. The depression and anxiety hit in tidal waves that knock me over and make me not want to move or reach out, I want to hide. I don't want people to see me weak and struggling, still. I don't want to be vulnerable. I stay and hide in my room from the world and from everything, trying to find a moment of peace. I push through the tired, and the stupid comments of a supervisor. I try to help others even when I feel like I have absolutely nothing to give and my energy is beyond gone. I try to survive. These things are real and they are really hard. So remember, you aren't alone. Find what keeps you going and don't let it go.

Redeemed

Easter, the day I celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. With all my struggles recently I didn't know if I'd be able to finish listening to The Book of Mormon before Easter. I mean, I've been reading it for two years and not finished it yet. But I did finish it on Friday. The biggest thing that stood out to me was Charity.

I was able to go to a mission reunion a few weeks ago. During that we had a little inspirational meeting and we sang a few verses from a song:

It touched my heart. There is something special singing with my fellow missionaries, it's a very sweet feeling. I was also touched because I felt the song said things about how I was feeling and the challenges I was and am going through.

Since then I have also started listening to the Book Of Mormon again while I'm at work.  Life has still has many challenges and it feels like more are added every week. I recently met with my church congregation leader about some of these challenges and he listened and counseled with me about some of these things. One piece of advice he gave me was when I pray to only express thanks. Because I feel scared or nervous to ask for things. It is difficult and a bit awkward, I didn't know how to end my prayer at the end of our meeting when only giving thanks; usually I say a statement like, "I pray and ask for these things..." but I wasn't asking for anything so that would be out of place. I know I felt the Spirit during the prayer and as I was thinking about things I am grateful for, more things would come to my mind that I normally don't express gratitude for. Most of them weren't things money could buy, but they were blessings or things God has given to me, and some of them have been faith trying things to do and I am so grateful for that.

Another interesting thing happened, in my church the women visit other women from the congregation. With everything that has been happening this month and the last two weeks, visiting with these sweet women seemed to get pushed further down the line of things to do. Yesterday I was able to converse with them over the phone.

One of these woman I have known for years. She has been a church leader I have had close association with over my life. I've known her since I was 5. As we spoke on the phone she said, "I've been thinking about you" and I started to cry. I don't like to ask for help. I know people are busy and they have work, family, and jobs. But when life is tough I generally shut off from the world. I don't want to burden others with my problems. She continued to share with me thoughts she had been having.

• One of them was if I am doing too much and if there is something I can take out of my life to make it easier and less stressful. 
• Another thought was to take five minutes and make a list of things that make me happy and when I start feeling depressed, go and do something on the list and add to it from time to time. She shared after a different woman from our congregations husband passed away, she had done this and if she was doing something on the list she told herself, "name, you're doing something on your list, these things make you happy." 
• A third thought she shared was, when I pray, she feels I have a special connection with heaven. I know I am not the best at praying, especially when I am struggling. But it meant alot. That she said she feels God is really listening when I pray. Coming from a woman I have looked up to for over 75% of my life, that means a great deal, especially when I feel these challenges have brought me to feel low in my abilities. 

Another woman I visit with from my congregation, I have a special memory with when I was 13 and my mom was in the hospital, things got especially rough and I started feeling suicidal. I had sent a message to her daughter and she and her daughter had come to my house. Her daughter talked to me for over 2 hours and she had stayed in the car and was praying for me. Every time I visit her I am reminded of this experience and how thankful I am that she came to my house that night.

There are a a couple other ladies in my life that have really helped me the last few months. They have helped when I have been struggling in more ways than I can count. From texts of advice, and support to helping with questions and concerns I have. I am grateful for the people in my life. I have been given support from. I am also grateful for the short cute texts or calls from people. I am grateful for Jesus Christ and God for their love for me.

I encourage you to do some of the things that have been suggested to me if you are feeling down. I don't have all the answers, my life isn't perfect, I am trying to do the best I can. I'm trying to help other know that they aren't the only one struggling. Please remember, you are not alone.

Unsaid

Today I ended up covering a shift at work.  Maybe it is from working 35 hours in the last 3 days, but I made it to the verge of tears a few times today. I don't like to cry.

At UPS, my supervisor asked if I had depression because my boyfriend wasn't taking me out. I wish he actually knew that is not what causes depression. I also learned in California medical marijuana can be used for ADHD.

I worked with a coworker I haven't in a while. They are a mutual friend with Him. They only wanted to talk about him for 4 hours today. For not trying to think about him, that sure made it difficult.

She shared some things he had said, things he had never said to me about his feelings towards things I had done. I thought our friendship and relationship was based off honesty and loyalty. Now I'm starting to feel like I didn't know him at all. It was a really rough afternoon. It felt like I had the wind knocked out of me, again. I felt crushed.

I try to see the best in people. I get really discouraged when I find out people aren't who I thought they are. My coworker also thinks I let people take advantage of me. But what makes me sad is my disappointment in myself. I feel like I was blinded and naive.

Days like today solidify my belief in Netflixing and hermitting (locking out the world). I feel like if I don't let people in, I don't get hurt. Every time I do, it hurts more when they leave. Yep, life is lonely. Yep, I'm working like 60 hours a week, maybe sleeping 6 a night if I'm lucky.

I would rather someone tell me something honestly and to my  face than trying to "save face" and "spare me." What does sparing someone even do? It hurts then more when they find out the truth. I read on one of those Christian sign boards a long  ago, "half truths are whole lies." I'm trying  to stay positive, and think that I wasn't stupid about everything.

If you've been hurt, or disappointed you aren't the only one. It is hard, really hard. I don't know when it will  feel better. I don't know if you or I will ever find people that value things the same way we each do. I don't know. I also don't know if there was more left unsaid. If you don't know, you are not alone.

Walls

It has been an interesting week.  At therapy this week I was told I haven't made as much progress as my therapist would have liked me to have made by now. First thoughts are  disappointment in the situation, but more with myself.  I have been trying. I feel like I'm in a situation where I'm trying to find the magical "drop all the walls" button, but I don't know where it is, or how to press it. I don't know how or what to do.

My walls, like letting people get close, letting them "in." I feel like every time a different situation happens, another wall is built. Now, according to my therapist, there are so many layers of walls and I have to pull them all down in order to make progress. My therapist doesn't think we should keep meeting - which in my mind and life comes across as another person thinking, "I'm not good enough and walking away."

Yes, it is hard to trust someone I only spend one hour with a week, and I see them in the same location. Yes, it is hard to talk about all the things I struggle with  a "stranger." Yes, it is hard changing the way I've acted and reacted things for the last 22.5 years of my life.

What's also incredibly hard is trusting people and getting hurt by people you thought wouldn't hurt you.  It's hard not trusting people who you should be able to trust.  It's hard continuing to believe circumstances will improve and then nothing changes. It feels like my heart gets ripped out, crushed and beaten every time a person leaves, so why in my logical mind, would I want to do that again?  From a person that feels hurt, damaged and like I have little to offer the world, yes, it is hard to have friends and let people in. I feel like they gain nothing from associating with me, other than my needs, problems and inadequacies.

It is hard to say how I'm actually feeling when people ask, "how are you?" Do I spare you the awkwardness if I say, "tired, bad, depressed, hopeless" and instead respond with, "good, great, or awesome?"  I've learned if you say the latter, people respond, if you say the former it gets really quiet and people don't know what to say. That, and I work at a gas station so I'm supposed to be happy, right?

If I spare the world a "Samantha Belle Roan," then I can't hurt others, and I can't be hurt. If I don't put myself out there, yes, I am incredibly lonely, but I'm not hurting and wondering how I'll make it to tomorrow.  I don't feel disappointed that I wasn't enough and that I didn't try enough, if another person who has said they'll stick around leaves.  I won't have to worry about another person experiencing my depression or anxiety, and they won't have to help when I'm hung up on the same issue time after time. I won't continue to feel like I'm not good enough for my family so why would anyone else want me in their life?

Hurting, it sucks. No one talks about the struggle. This awful and slow struggle. There isn't a medicine to instantly fix it. There are more questions than answers, more memories remembered than desired to be made, more loneliness than love. In the past few weeks I can say I've tried to think of my good qualities, and although they may be specific in words and not broad adjectives, I can say, I am trying to find who I am. I am trying to think positively. I am trying to not press  "shut down to basic human functioning" option. I am trying, and sometimes, that is the GREATEST accomplishment of all.

If you are trying, even if we're strangers, I'm so proud of you! I know it isn't easy. I know you might want to cry and give up. I want to cry and give up most days. From a person that doesn't give up easily on others, I give up easily on myself. I have faith in you to try, to keep trying. The internal battle to try and love or to shut out the world, it's real.  You can do hard things, and this may seem like the hardest thing you've ever had to do and keep doing. Don't give up on you. If you need a few minutes, take it. Please, do not give up. You are not alone.

Six months

It's safe to say, meaning with 100% probability, that these next few weeks are going to be hard. This weekend is General Conference, when I listen to church leaders speak to the world. It happens every six months, which brings back memories of six months ago. Lots of things happened six months ago.

Six months ago I watched conference with him, we worked on his truck, test drove it up the canyon while we listened to conference, visited his dad. It brings back memories of, "how did you know that story?" And "if you were a fish where would you be?" My response, followed by a "that's my girl." It brings back those memories of being on the bridge and looking at the river, with his hands resting on the bridge on both sides of me, and him standing very close behind me.

Almost six months ago was also both of our birthdays, which included more truck fixing, drives and birthday celebrations. Working endlessly on my birthday, he told me he had barely made it home from work in his truck. I called my sister to come cover for me at work so I could take him to the auto part store. He ended up replacing my burned out head lights. He cried and said he wanted it to be perfect and maybe grab dinner and he forgot I had to work, but it wasn't going right, and he still hadn't been able to tie the "perfect" fly for me. My heart yearned to comfort him. What mattered to me was being together, not all the other stuff.

On his birthday, I wanted to celebrate the man that brought me happiness and joy and light. I tend to get excited and go overboard. I wanted him to feel loved and appreciated. I ordered this book with all the things I loved about him, doing with him, etc. I got some other things I thought he'd enjoy.

The biggest thing is, six months ago we were talking, everyday. Six months ago, I saw saw. Six months ago, there was happiness. Six months later, we aren't talking, and haven't talked. Six months later, we haven't seen each other. Six months later, everything reminds me of him. I still search for him in everything. I still hope he wants to talk to me, but he hasn't. He would always say, "if I care, I'll do something about it."

It is hard accepting the fact someone doesn't care about you. It is hard not having answers. It is hard moving on. I feel like moving on means giving up and I don't want anyone to feel given up on.

When someone or something is so integral to your memories, it's hard not to remember them, not to hurt, not to miss them. It's hard not to know if you meant anything to them. It's hard to feel. Right now, I'm on a netflix and chill by myself sort of stage. You can't get hurt if you don't interact with people.

Six months later, I'm struggling. I know it will be hard until things aren't associated with him. I am trying not to "recluse" myself. I'm trying to get out. I'm trying to not sink into this memory wormhole. But I've also decided, you have to take care of yourself. This week, was the first time  probably a year when I ate a decent meal at once a day, which is HUGE progress for me. It might have also been my only meal, but it wasn't snack crackers and Gatorade. This week, I made a little progress in therapy. This week I also struggled, my debit card had fraudulent transactions, and work was a joke. This week, I had friends  help and go out of their way to say hi when they knew I  was/am struggling.

Hopefully a year or six months from now I'll have more answers. If you are struggling, you're not alone.